paying for it

good fucking hell.

is it really only less than 9 days until bar results come out?

good fucking hell!

i've been sitting here at home, watching the jazz at the lakers tonight. oh, boy -- seriously, what a wretched game for the jazz. third quarter was better, but it's not fun spending one's time yelling at the telly. not exactly the kind of relaxing evening i expected to have the first full day that i'm back. . . .

. . . but other than that, i must say that it's good to be home. :)

i think i've made a decision about grad school. but i will still sit tight and not turn in the form that requires me to either decline or accept admittance for a while. i have until july to turn it in, so even though my mind is 85% made up, it seems premature to submit it now when anything could happen to encourage me to change my mind. . . .

because of my brief little hiatus out of town, my running has suffered. i hit the gym today. it was pretty bad. my mind wasn't into it.

i've made myself so busy these past couple of months -- including this one. there are just a few things to keep out of my mind and distract myself from, so i've thrown myself mindlessly into random activities to keep myself from thinking about that stuff. :-P i kinda feel like i've caused myself to fall asleep instead of consciously waiting for the date bar results come out. i want to say that i still feel at peace about it, but i can't deny that lately, my heart starts palpitating a bit when i remember and think about it, which has begun to happen quite a bit lately.

i'm ready to know the results now, though. i've been ready. i don't know if it will change anything about my plans -- but i just need to know out of principle. i need to know the fruits of my labor, the thing that i've worked so hard for. it's like being pregnant, i suppose. you can only gestate and carry your baby for so long until, fuck it!, you wanna know if it's going to be a boy or girl.

well! i wanna know if i'm having a boy or a girl, damn it!

anyway, i know it sounds stupid. it seems totally ridiculous. i sound like i'm mixed up.

do i want to be an attorney? or do i want to go to grad school?

to a normal person, it is a no-brainer. i'm a gazillion dollars in student loan debt that i likely will not be able to climb out of during my lifetime. i went to school and specialized in a particular kind of training that is supposed to have primed me up for a particular kind of occupation.

so what the flying fuck am i doing considering something as time-engrossing and money-wasting as yet another long-term commitment to school?

truthfully?

damned if i know!

all i know is that, career-wise, i've been driven more by my conscience instead of my passions. i went to law school for probably a number of wrong reasons, and instead of accepting full responsibility that it was all my fault for letting myself go along that career-path, i let myself languish.

i'm not letting myself languish anymore.

i already have one too many regrets at this point in my life. i refuse to let myself have anymore if i can help it.

if this means i will acquire even more student loan debt, then fine. i can live with that. seriously, the entity that owns my loans has my life in a virtual vise anyway. what's a few gazillion more?

so i think it's time for me to follow my passions for once.

and i'll pay for the repercussions of my decisions when it's time.

:-T