being the ultimate, truest type of feminist -- and putting money where my mouth is

i'm pooped.

is it natural to have a desire to quit your job soon after you start working a new one?

just wondering. it always seems to happen to me.

i'm in an okay situation and all -- but i'm already having fantasies of quitting.

:-T

i put in a good run at the gym today, despite being sore all over the place. after my run, i am in just a tad bit more pain than i was before. but it's a good pain. i haven't felt this achy all over the place in a long time. i think the last time was when i was still playing tennis competitively. serving, lunging, smashing, forehands and backhands -- all that seriously is a great work-out. i do miss it.

anyhow, what's good is that the run cleared my mind. and i'm realizing how shallow i sound a couple of posts ago. . . .

i admit it -- i can be shallow. but i direct it mostly at myself. i'm hard on myself in a number of ways. i have a tendency (if it's not obvious by now) to be self-deprecating. i react and anticipate my own short-comings before other people can point them out to me, criticize me for them. i'm sure it's a self-defense mechanism i acquired as a young 'un. i was always a pretty sensitive kid, and i hated so much to disappoint. . . . so any time i knew criticism would be directed at me, i would anticipate it, try to head it off, and try to make amends.

obviously it's something i now carry with me and should do a better job of controlling. this self-negativity thing does get to be rather old sometimes. . . . :-T

there is something about myself i mention every now and then on this blog, but i do not mention in EVERY post because i'm not an in-your-face kind of person. i am what i am. i could be better in so many ways, but i am exactly what i am. obviously, one of the things i am is a gay vietgrrl (which is a rarity -- seriously, find me another gay vietgrrl, and i'll give you ten bucks). i'm a girl who's attracted to girls.

but i'm also a late-bloomer. i finally admitted to myself that i was gay after a really long time of denying it. and to this day, i still haven't completely come out. . . . and because i came out to myself so late, i still have all the feelings of insecurity that come from trying to be a girl that other guys would find attractive. it's not that i wanted to please the guy per se; i just wanted to seem like i was good enough.

uh-huh. major self-esteem issues and shit.

anyway, as a gaygrrl, life is different, and even though i'm not completely out, i feel better and more confident that my life is more me than my life before. of course, though, i don't do rainbows. i don't have strange buzz-cut hair-dos. i don't wear those long, boxy men's shorts. i don't wear birkenstocks. i don't have gruff, manly mannerisms. i'm just a twenty-something girl who lives in a tits-and-ass kind of society and who often laments, after being bombarded with one tits-and-ass image after another, that she didn't have the typical ideal tits-and-ass proportions.

in me, i have all these social (read: hetero) constructs engrained in my mind that i have to make a conscious effort to fight against. all these constructs and stereotypes tell me that girls should look a certain way and act a certain way. these images are governed by the male gaze and objectify women in the worst possible way.

and so yeah, being immersed in all this pop culture crap (i really should stop reading celebrity gossip :-T) makes me lose perspective. so when i see that i don't exactly measure up to the hot chicks i see on the boob tube or big screen, i can take it seriously and start getting down on myself.

now, don't get me wrong. i ain't no conformist. like, i don't go out of my way to be decked out in all abercrombie & fitch or to look like those high-maintenance asian girls who wear impeccable (i.e., too much) makeup and make sure to get a mani and pedi every week.

dude. i grew up a tomboy. i keep my nails short to this very day. :-T

but i do play by the rules -- and i do get a kick out of doing so. and i know i can take it to the extreme as much as any other self-absorbed modern chick. i'm rather femme. i have femme tastes. like, i have long, straight hair, i shave my bits regularly, i put my shoes on like anyone else, one heel at a time. and although i only have a modest collection of make-up, it works for me, and i love putting it on and watching the colors blend magically into each other.

but even if i wasn't femme, i'd still be sensitive to the fact that i'm "supposed" to look a certain way, act a certain way, giggle a certain way, lower my eyes modestly at certain times. i know that if there's a cute girl in the office who dresses great and looks stunning, i will be unable to keep from surreptitiously stealing glances at her and admiring how she looks -- but also still feel a kind of competition to make sure i at least try to look as good as her.

gaygrrls are the ultimate, true feminists in a way. they appreciate femininity in every possible way, and the appreciation is deepened by the fact that they are indeed women, too.

my point is that i know i am hard on myself -- not just when it comes to looks, but when it comes to most everything. i ain't no beauty. i ain't the brainiest one in the room (unless you just put me in a room full of nfl players or something :-T). for me, in regards to how i perceive myself, the grass is always greener. the glass is more half-empty than it is half-full.

but when it comes to who i'm attracted to, i have to say that the only thing that the women i've been attracted to have in common is that they just always seemed to have it together. they were/are so much stronger in mind and spirit than i could ever be. part of the attraction is, obviously, rooted in the fact that they have this strength that i wish i had and want to acquire, and it's also because of the confidence they exude through every pore. confidence is seriously hot.

and i have been attracted to all types -- my goodness.

like, i had this one professor who was HOT. i guess she's in her late forties now, but i am sure if i saw her today, i'd still think she was a total babe. she's just a complete old school punk butch -- short hair cut, hair always bleached blond, chain wallet, the occasional tie. she's also one of the sharpest minds i've ever met. oh, the fantasies i indulged in as i sat in her class. . . ! seriously, it remains one of my favorite classes i've ever taken to this day -- but for educational reasons, too, i swear. :)

and then there was this one girl. you can't call her anything but hot mess. i was simultaneously disgusted by her yet intrigued. my infatuation didn't last very long -- and to this day remains quite inexplicable -- but seriously, despite her oddity, i was still strangely attracted to her.

and there is more i can say, but i'm tired.

sorry if i am so boring or tangential. that is just my way of saying that i recognize today, after putting that one post up, that i am still totally falling prey to certain types of thinking that i otherwise try to decry. i should want to get healthy for the sake of being healthy -- not because of some twisted notion of vanity.

that is all. ugh. i feel like holding hands with a large group of people and singing "kumbaya" now. enough of this mushy-gushy crap.

:-T

oh, yeah. about the bar results:

i still think i'm fucked.

but i'll deal with that reality friday night.

for now, i'm off to bed --