*poof!*
deleted.
demons exorcised. i think i feel better now.
:-T
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
accepting weaknesses and flaws
for each of the times i took the bar (what am i on now -- like, twenty attempts? :-T), i usually tended to feel at least a tiny bit of moral imperative to study my ass off and try my best -- and i guilt-tripped whenever i felt my discipline slipping out of my grasp.
now . . . ?
i really don't feel any of those things. no moral imperative, no sense of discipline.
i officially don't care anymore.
i distinguish this sentiment from "giving up." i am not "giving up." "giving up" implies a sense of defeat. i do not feel defeated a' tall.
i just don't care.
:)
the moral i take from this entire experience of having perpetually taken the bar and failed it every time is that anything i pursue, from here on out, must mean something to me. i cannot be pursuing things for the sake of other people and their happiness. i must want to do it for myself.
this is exactly what one of the bar review instructors from that bar prep class i took last winter said when he goaded and taunted us repeaters just for sitting there in the class. he told us that if we didn't envision our goals and did not have a clear cut plan for what we wanted to do with our license once we passed the bar exam, then we did not deserve to pass.
i take exception to the word "deserve." but i still understand his point.
it's odd, you know. except for a very few number of people (maybe 2), i haven't told anyone else that i did not pass last february's exam. and yet people know. no one's asked me about it at all.
for instance, at a recent family gathering, none of my relations asked me about it -- whereas they were always quick to ask and talk about it before. of course, it helped that, whenever i felt the conversation was veering too close to the topic of practicing law, etc., i made sure to change the subject.
i hope i'm not contradicting myself. no, i totally no longer care about the bar exam. but no, i also don't want to talk about it.
. . . .
:-T
based on everything i've mentioned here about realizing how important it is to pursue only those things that are meaningful to me, it should be clear-cut as to what i ought to decide in regards to the great Decision, huh?
i think, at heart, i've already decided what i'll do, even if my mind can't quite grasp it at this point.
but that's okay. i still have the summer to enjoy. and i have all the time in the world to think about things.
after next week, there are a gazillion races i want to do. but i'm now interested in looking outside my city for races. i'd like to travel to some random city that i've never visited before in my life -- chicago, st. george, austin, portland -- and just do some random race and hang out as a tourist for the weekend.
hopefully i get a chance to do this at least once before the summer ends.
:)
speaking of, i have to mention that one of my celebrity crushes is uma thurman. she got my attention when i first saw the film henry and june, which is based on diaries maintained by anais nin regarding her relationship with henry miller and his wife as they hung out in paris during the early twentieth century.
*swooning at the memory of the scene*
to this day, i love uma, and i especially dig her in the kill bill series.
but i especially love her because she's just real (okay, and also because she's gorgeous and statuesque, and because i have a soft spot for hot blond chicks). and so i wasn't very happy when the tabloids started giving her a bad time for this recent picture that was taken by the paparazzi while she was on vacay:
so she's got a tummy. BEE EFF DEE! i still think she's gorgeous, especially because of it! and it actually makes me feel good about my tummy. :)
moral of the story: we've got to embrace our flaws. for me, that means accepting that being a practicing attorney is not in the cards -- and also that it's okay for me to have a tummy. my tummy may not be as cute as uma's -- but hey, if uma can show hers proudly, then i sure can, too.
:)
now . . . ?
i really don't feel any of those things. no moral imperative, no sense of discipline.
i officially don't care anymore.
i distinguish this sentiment from "giving up." i am not "giving up." "giving up" implies a sense of defeat. i do not feel defeated a' tall.
i just don't care.
:)
the moral i take from this entire experience of having perpetually taken the bar and failed it every time is that anything i pursue, from here on out, must mean something to me. i cannot be pursuing things for the sake of other people and their happiness. i must want to do it for myself.
this is exactly what one of the bar review instructors from that bar prep class i took last winter said when he goaded and taunted us repeaters just for sitting there in the class. he told us that if we didn't envision our goals and did not have a clear cut plan for what we wanted to do with our license once we passed the bar exam, then we did not deserve to pass.
i take exception to the word "deserve." but i still understand his point.
it's odd, you know. except for a very few number of people (maybe 2), i haven't told anyone else that i did not pass last february's exam. and yet people know. no one's asked me about it at all.
for instance, at a recent family gathering, none of my relations asked me about it -- whereas they were always quick to ask and talk about it before. of course, it helped that, whenever i felt the conversation was veering too close to the topic of practicing law, etc., i made sure to change the subject.
i hope i'm not contradicting myself. no, i totally no longer care about the bar exam. but no, i also don't want to talk about it.
. . . .
:-T
based on everything i've mentioned here about realizing how important it is to pursue only those things that are meaningful to me, it should be clear-cut as to what i ought to decide in regards to the great Decision, huh?
i think, at heart, i've already decided what i'll do, even if my mind can't quite grasp it at this point.
but that's okay. i still have the summer to enjoy. and i have all the time in the world to think about things.
after next week, there are a gazillion races i want to do. but i'm now interested in looking outside my city for races. i'd like to travel to some random city that i've never visited before in my life -- chicago, st. george, austin, portland -- and just do some random race and hang out as a tourist for the weekend.
hopefully i get a chance to do this at least once before the summer ends.
:)
speaking of, i have to mention that one of my celebrity crushes is uma thurman. she got my attention when i first saw the film henry and june, which is based on diaries maintained by anais nin regarding her relationship with henry miller and his wife as they hung out in paris during the early twentieth century.
*swooning at the memory of the scene*
to this day, i love uma, and i especially dig her in the kill bill series.
but i especially love her because she's just real (okay, and also because she's gorgeous and statuesque, and because i have a soft spot for hot blond chicks). and so i wasn't very happy when the tabloids started giving her a bad time for this recent picture that was taken by the paparazzi while she was on vacay:
so she's got a tummy. BEE EFF DEE! i still think she's gorgeous, especially because of it! and it actually makes me feel good about my tummy. :)
moral of the story: we've got to embrace our flaws. for me, that means accepting that being a practicing attorney is not in the cards -- and also that it's okay for me to have a tummy. my tummy may not be as cute as uma's -- but hey, if uma can show hers proudly, then i sure can, too.
:)
Friday, July 18, 2008
that's what friends are for. and stuff
i’m not the person who has any good advice or insight about the bar exam.
obviously. i've failed it every time i tried to take it.
:-T
i’m tired of it. i hate it. i’m done with it. i’m over it.
but of course, i’m still taking it this month.
to tell the truth, and if it is not obvious by my lack of posting about it, i actually have only been studying rather half-heartedly. i try to put the time in, but i have only done, for instance, a fraction of the number of mbe practice questions that i did for the last february exam. some evenings, i don’t study at all – mostly because i’m exhausted from the work-day and don’t want to exert any more energy than i have to before crawling into bed for the evening.
do i know stuff? yeah.
do i feel confident about stuff? no.
but i hope that doesn't discourage first-time takers who happen to read me. yes, i'm totally a pessimist regarding the bar -- but that doesn't mean you should be! it's just me. . . . if you've put the time in to study, and you've seriously put in the effort to see how you've progressed during your study and to improve those areas that need improving, you're in a good spot, and you've increased your own chances of passing exponentially.
hope that helps, anonymous. no te preocupes mucho!! it's natural to stress out, but don't let the stress overwhelm you. when the exam comes, you'll see that the essay questions really are straight-forward, and so long as you keep your answers structured and clear, you'll be fine. keep on practicing a few questions each day from here on out, then just chill the monday before. :)
here at work, everything has been moving at a really brisk pace. i used to at least be able to squeeze some studying in during breaks or lulls in the work-day, but now that i have this new office b.f.f., we have been hanging out a lot when we’re not at our desks working.
i just don’t have that same desire to pass that i had before.
i definitely should have realized this before forking over the dough to take the exam again – and to buy a fucking new laptop, too.
yeah. the new laptop explains why i am now short of funds (again) for the remainder of the month. i had taken my other laptop in to that infernal place from which i will never buy a laptop or warranty again during the early part of june; was reassured that i would at least get a call-back and report on the status of my ‘puter and the repairs that were needed within one week, then two; then because they did not call me at all, i had to start calling them on a daily basis starting at day 10 just to get the status of what the hell was going on with my laptop; and to this day, over a month later, i still have no idea what’s going on with my own ‘puter.
of course, i started pseudo-freaking out about a week and a half ago because i hadn’t downloaded ExamSoft yet and started fearing the possibility that not getting my laptop back in time would require me to start hand-writing my essays at the bar. so i said FUCK IT and got myself a nice little laptop for $ 700, plus a one-year warranty.
i think i am demonstrating my rather impetuous spending habits here. and i am slightly ashamed. but damn me, i at least now have peace of mind that i will at least have a laptop for the exam like i had originally signed up for!
and to this day, that damned, infernal place still has my laptop, and i don’t understand why. the problem (the blue screen of death and replacement of the ram) seems to be fixed. but the nerdy techies don’t speak very good english and tend to like talking fast and slurring their words anyway, so even if they tried to explain to me clearly what the fuck is going on (which they don’t anyway), i still wouldn’t have a clue what the hell they’re talking about.
>:-P
anyhow.
:-T
my new laptop is pretty cool, though. even better than the one i took in for repairs, despite the fact that i bought that one only last year. this new one's got 3 gb ram, 200 gb hard drive, compact 14” screen (i like it smaller). hp model instead of toshiba (i’m finally learning my lesson with toshiba . . . ). hopefully this new one will last me longer than just a frickin’ year!!
O_o
something else that kind of peeves me (okay, not just “kind of” – but peeves me a lot) is the fact that people can be so dismissive about my desire to go back to grad school. i don’t tell very many people as it is about the Decision i have to make by the end of the year. and yet some of the few people i have told just don’t get why anyone would want to go to get a doctorate.
“so you just want to go to school for the rest of your life?!” they ask incredulously. “you want to be a professional student?!”
seriously. those kinds of questions are now on par, in terms of how frickin’ annoyed i get, as the questions, “where are you from? no, where are you really from?” and “what are you?”
>:-|
it’s the sort of reaction that makes me not want to tell anyone anything anymore. you know? like, getting a ph.d. is obviously something that is important to me – otherwise i wouldn’t always talk about it or have applied for programs or be taking the time to really think the Decision through right now. it is a huge thing for me. and so when people are dismissive or insulting, whether intentionally or unintentionally so, i just find it, well, kind of rude. i wouldn’t do that to anyone!
for instance, my new office b.f.f. is 23 and a college drop-out. for her, school is a waste of time; she’d rather spend her days doing something productive than just sit in class and be bored. but she is young, and while she respects me for having more than just a bachelor’s degree, i know she also feels self-conscious for not having a bachelor’s degree herself.
now, i’m the type of person who would relish the chance to gloat over people i think are idiots and can’t stand by rubbing all my degrees in their faces – not for any good reason except for the fact that i can’t stand ‘em and would jump at the chance to rub shit in their faces.
but with my office b.f.f., i empathize with her because school can be a waste of time, and it certainly isn’t for everyone. plus, she has found success in other ways; seriously, there’s more than one way to skin a cat.
so because i like her and have come to be quite fond of her, i just make sure to keep encouraging her and show her all the ways that she has been and is successful. because that’s what friends do. that’s what people who care about your happiness do. they see the good in you and help you see and be aware of and remember your strengths. they don’t ridicule you for how you’ve lived your life up to this point, nor do they make you feel like your dreams and goals are stupid and a waste of time.
it does explain why i have so few friends anymore. i just get so let down and disappointed with how other people are. even if they don’t mean what they say or think about things before saying them, i just like and prefer to be around people who are a bit more conscientious and aware.
it’s not that i want people to kiss my butt (although i wouldn’t mind if they did . . . ). and it’s not that i want people to always agree with me, either (that would certainly be no fun – although if they tell me i am right, every now and then, that’d be awesome . . . ). but i don’t want to be around people who cut me down in those little ways. seriously, i’ve got better things to do than put up with shit like that.
ya know?
yeah, i sound mean. i sound like i’m hard-core mean and bitchy.
it’s just that i don’t want to settle when it comes to people anymore. i don’t want to abide by any flaky, unsupportive, selfish, or moronic people anymore. in the past, what i have done was try to accept and like people as they were – and i found myself getting all cut up and burned because all those negative qualities they had that i had tried to accept ended up getting turned on me.
so forget all that. i try not to do that anymore. i still try to be accepting of people and get to know them on their terms. but once you cut me, i cut you off. period.
well, okay, that’s the goal, anyway. to be meaner, i mean.
after all, as much as i'd like to, i can’t be a happy-go-lucky abbagirl forever. . . .
:-T
obviously. i've failed it every time i tried to take it.
:-T
i’m tired of it. i hate it. i’m done with it. i’m over it.
but of course, i’m still taking it this month.
to tell the truth, and if it is not obvious by my lack of posting about it, i actually have only been studying rather half-heartedly. i try to put the time in, but i have only done, for instance, a fraction of the number of mbe practice questions that i did for the last february exam. some evenings, i don’t study at all – mostly because i’m exhausted from the work-day and don’t want to exert any more energy than i have to before crawling into bed for the evening.
do i know stuff? yeah.
do i feel confident about stuff? no.
but i hope that doesn't discourage first-time takers who happen to read me. yes, i'm totally a pessimist regarding the bar -- but that doesn't mean you should be! it's just me. . . . if you've put the time in to study, and you've seriously put in the effort to see how you've progressed during your study and to improve those areas that need improving, you're in a good spot, and you've increased your own chances of passing exponentially.
hope that helps, anonymous. no te preocupes mucho!! it's natural to stress out, but don't let the stress overwhelm you. when the exam comes, you'll see that the essay questions really are straight-forward, and so long as you keep your answers structured and clear, you'll be fine. keep on practicing a few questions each day from here on out, then just chill the monday before. :)
here at work, everything has been moving at a really brisk pace. i used to at least be able to squeeze some studying in during breaks or lulls in the work-day, but now that i have this new office b.f.f., we have been hanging out a lot when we’re not at our desks working.
i just don’t have that same desire to pass that i had before.
i definitely should have realized this before forking over the dough to take the exam again – and to buy a fucking new laptop, too.
yeah. the new laptop explains why i am now short of funds (again) for the remainder of the month. i had taken my other laptop in to that infernal place from which i will never buy a laptop or warranty again during the early part of june; was reassured that i would at least get a call-back and report on the status of my ‘puter and the repairs that were needed within one week, then two; then because they did not call me at all, i had to start calling them on a daily basis starting at day 10 just to get the status of what the hell was going on with my laptop; and to this day, over a month later, i still have no idea what’s going on with my own ‘puter.
of course, i started pseudo-freaking out about a week and a half ago because i hadn’t downloaded ExamSoft yet and started fearing the possibility that not getting my laptop back in time would require me to start hand-writing my essays at the bar. so i said FUCK IT and got myself a nice little laptop for $ 700, plus a one-year warranty.
i think i am demonstrating my rather impetuous spending habits here. and i am slightly ashamed. but damn me, i at least now have peace of mind that i will at least have a laptop for the exam like i had originally signed up for!
and to this day, that damned, infernal place still has my laptop, and i don’t understand why. the problem (the blue screen of death and replacement of the ram) seems to be fixed. but the nerdy techies don’t speak very good english and tend to like talking fast and slurring their words anyway, so even if they tried to explain to me clearly what the fuck is going on (which they don’t anyway), i still wouldn’t have a clue what the hell they’re talking about.
>:-P
anyhow.
:-T
my new laptop is pretty cool, though. even better than the one i took in for repairs, despite the fact that i bought that one only last year. this new one's got 3 gb ram, 200 gb hard drive, compact 14” screen (i like it smaller). hp model instead of toshiba (i’m finally learning my lesson with toshiba . . . ). hopefully this new one will last me longer than just a frickin’ year!!
O_o
something else that kind of peeves me (okay, not just “kind of” – but peeves me a lot) is the fact that people can be so dismissive about my desire to go back to grad school. i don’t tell very many people as it is about the Decision i have to make by the end of the year. and yet some of the few people i have told just don’t get why anyone would want to go to get a doctorate.
“so you just want to go to school for the rest of your life?!” they ask incredulously. “you want to be a professional student?!”
seriously. those kinds of questions are now on par, in terms of how frickin’ annoyed i get, as the questions, “where are you from? no, where are you really from?” and “what are you?”
>:-|
it’s the sort of reaction that makes me not want to tell anyone anything anymore. you know? like, getting a ph.d. is obviously something that is important to me – otherwise i wouldn’t always talk about it or have applied for programs or be taking the time to really think the Decision through right now. it is a huge thing for me. and so when people are dismissive or insulting, whether intentionally or unintentionally so, i just find it, well, kind of rude. i wouldn’t do that to anyone!
for instance, my new office b.f.f. is 23 and a college drop-out. for her, school is a waste of time; she’d rather spend her days doing something productive than just sit in class and be bored. but she is young, and while she respects me for having more than just a bachelor’s degree, i know she also feels self-conscious for not having a bachelor’s degree herself.
now, i’m the type of person who would relish the chance to gloat over people i think are idiots and can’t stand by rubbing all my degrees in their faces – not for any good reason except for the fact that i can’t stand ‘em and would jump at the chance to rub shit in their faces.
but with my office b.f.f., i empathize with her because school can be a waste of time, and it certainly isn’t for everyone. plus, she has found success in other ways; seriously, there’s more than one way to skin a cat.
so because i like her and have come to be quite fond of her, i just make sure to keep encouraging her and show her all the ways that she has been and is successful. because that’s what friends do. that’s what people who care about your happiness do. they see the good in you and help you see and be aware of and remember your strengths. they don’t ridicule you for how you’ve lived your life up to this point, nor do they make you feel like your dreams and goals are stupid and a waste of time.
it does explain why i have so few friends anymore. i just get so let down and disappointed with how other people are. even if they don’t mean what they say or think about things before saying them, i just like and prefer to be around people who are a bit more conscientious and aware.
it’s not that i want people to kiss my butt (although i wouldn’t mind if they did . . . ). and it’s not that i want people to always agree with me, either (that would certainly be no fun – although if they tell me i am right, every now and then, that’d be awesome . . . ). but i don’t want to be around people who cut me down in those little ways. seriously, i’ve got better things to do than put up with shit like that.
ya know?
yeah, i sound mean. i sound like i’m hard-core mean and bitchy.
it’s just that i don’t want to settle when it comes to people anymore. i don’t want to abide by any flaky, unsupportive, selfish, or moronic people anymore. in the past, what i have done was try to accept and like people as they were – and i found myself getting all cut up and burned because all those negative qualities they had that i had tried to accept ended up getting turned on me.
so forget all that. i try not to do that anymore. i still try to be accepting of people and get to know them on their terms. but once you cut me, i cut you off. period.
well, okay, that’s the goal, anyway. to be meaner, i mean.
after all, as much as i'd like to, i can’t be a happy-go-lucky abbagirl forever. . . .
:-T
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
cocoon, sweet cocoon
the morning was cold and breezy today, although it eventually warmed up quite well by the afternoon. i listened to some jack johnson on my way to work this morning. his music really puts me in a mellow mood. i truly dig his style and his low, reassuring voice. it is loose, laid-back, and lilting; you can’t help but let yourself relax, sink down even more comfortably in the driver’s seat, and bob your head to the music.
work is still going ultra-cool lately. i’m still getting along pretty well with everyone i meet – to the point where people are calling me the “social butterfly.”
me? social butterfly? not even!
i just happen to be able to talk with most folks. i don’t stick to one type of people. and it’s not like i’m trying to be a social butterfly. but when people say hi, i just say hi back. and then one thing leads to another, and ta-da! there you go, a conversation gets underway.
but some of the co-workers with whom i’ve gotten to be friends with call me a social butterfly anyway. me, i just call it being polite and friendly.
:-T
because of my alleged social butterfly status, it somehow fell upon me to organize an after-work social event for some of the under-35 and/or no-kids crowd. some of the other rank-n’-file people here who have been here for longer than me have been jonesing for an after-work night out for drinks but just never had the nerve to start getting friendlier with everyone else or ask co-workers if they want to hang out after work.
you know how it is. this being a professional office, all the rank-n’-file people are totally consumed by the daily grind of the 8-to-5 to the point where their personal life – friendships, relationships, etc. – start being affected. i totally empathize, especially as a single, working grrl myself; being at the grind just makes you too exhausted to hang out with your usual crowd, date, and do other types of activities that us single folks should otherwise do.
so that’s why some of these folks here have been jonesing to try to hang out after work. here at the office, we meet all sorts of cool people our age, but it’s a professional environment. plus, in our particular building, all the units are unique unto themselves; there’s not a lot of “mixing.”
couple all that with the fact that they're all rather shy (some of them surprising so, too, like laotian girl! 0_0) and rather passive.
now, i’m truly not a social butterfly. i’m totally anti-social. leave me alone to read a riveting work of non-fiction or my google feedreader or the most recent jcrew, urbanoutfitter, or delia catalogue i've gotten in the mail, and i’m just a happy camper.
but because of my unique status when i first stated working here (being loosely assigned to one of the Important People in the building and having to work with other units), i was able to interact and meet with all sorts of people from various parts of the building, including other Important People and other rank-n’-file peeps around my age. it was eventually noted by some of my peers that i happened to be saying hi to quite a few people in the halls (like, what, i can't be nice and friendly to other people??). so when other people started discussing the topic of “wouldn’t it be cool if we all could hang out over drinks after work one of these days and get to know people better?”, it somehow got delegated to me to do all the arranging and decision-making and inviting.
0_0
but thus far, the task of organizing it hasn't been that hard. i guess.
:-T
i just find it kinda funny. of all the people who have expressed an interest in doing this, i'm the one with the least amount of tenure at that office. and yet i'm the one who sort of got the ball rolling.
should be a fun time, though. we're doing it this week and will just see how it goes. the response has been positive so far, and i do like them all and think they're all pretty cool peeps, despite the cold heart of stone residing in this chest of mine.
my b.f.f. at the office, the viet girl, keeps saying that people just tend to be "drawn" to me. i can't tell whether she's making fun of me or not because she says it with such a straight face. . . .
i'm not a social butterfly.
no, not i.
i'm just a girl who'd rather stay in the cocoon. really.
:-T
work is still going ultra-cool lately. i’m still getting along pretty well with everyone i meet – to the point where people are calling me the “social butterfly.”
me? social butterfly? not even!
i just happen to be able to talk with most folks. i don’t stick to one type of people. and it’s not like i’m trying to be a social butterfly. but when people say hi, i just say hi back. and then one thing leads to another, and ta-da! there you go, a conversation gets underway.
but some of the co-workers with whom i’ve gotten to be friends with call me a social butterfly anyway. me, i just call it being polite and friendly.
:-T
because of my alleged social butterfly status, it somehow fell upon me to organize an after-work social event for some of the under-35 and/or no-kids crowd. some of the other rank-n’-file people here who have been here for longer than me have been jonesing for an after-work night out for drinks but just never had the nerve to start getting friendlier with everyone else or ask co-workers if they want to hang out after work.
you know how it is. this being a professional office, all the rank-n’-file people are totally consumed by the daily grind of the 8-to-5 to the point where their personal life – friendships, relationships, etc. – start being affected. i totally empathize, especially as a single, working grrl myself; being at the grind just makes you too exhausted to hang out with your usual crowd, date, and do other types of activities that us single folks should otherwise do.
so that’s why some of these folks here have been jonesing to try to hang out after work. here at the office, we meet all sorts of cool people our age, but it’s a professional environment. plus, in our particular building, all the units are unique unto themselves; there’s not a lot of “mixing.”
couple all that with the fact that they're all rather shy (some of them surprising so, too, like laotian girl! 0_0) and rather passive.
now, i’m truly not a social butterfly. i’m totally anti-social. leave me alone to read a riveting work of non-fiction or my google feedreader or the most recent jcrew, urbanoutfitter, or delia catalogue i've gotten in the mail, and i’m just a happy camper.
but because of my unique status when i first stated working here (being loosely assigned to one of the Important People in the building and having to work with other units), i was able to interact and meet with all sorts of people from various parts of the building, including other Important People and other rank-n’-file peeps around my age. it was eventually noted by some of my peers that i happened to be saying hi to quite a few people in the halls (like, what, i can't be nice and friendly to other people??). so when other people started discussing the topic of “wouldn’t it be cool if we all could hang out over drinks after work one of these days and get to know people better?”, it somehow got delegated to me to do all the arranging and decision-making and inviting.
0_0
but thus far, the task of organizing it hasn't been that hard. i guess.
:-T
i just find it kinda funny. of all the people who have expressed an interest in doing this, i'm the one with the least amount of tenure at that office. and yet i'm the one who sort of got the ball rolling.
should be a fun time, though. we're doing it this week and will just see how it goes. the response has been positive so far, and i do like them all and think they're all pretty cool peeps, despite the cold heart of stone residing in this chest of mine.
my b.f.f. at the office, the viet girl, keeps saying that people just tend to be "drawn" to me. i can't tell whether she's making fun of me or not because she says it with such a straight face. . . .
i'm not a social butterfly.
no, not i.
i'm just a girl who'd rather stay in the cocoon. really.
:-T
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
the Decider decides
a while ago, i mentioned that i had made a Decision.
a Momentous Decision.
you know. about whether to do Grad School next year or continue on with my job.
but actually, that wasn't completely true. . . .
yes, i made a Decision.
but the Decision was actually a Decision to . . . .
. . . postpone the Decision for a while longer.
:-T
yup. i decided to defer admissions. deferring gives me more time to make the Decision.
:-]
it works out in my favor. i can use the rest of the year to continue to ponder and weigh the merits of continuing to stay on at my job -- or to start my ph.d program this next january.
deferment of admissions only lasts for a semester. so if i didn't start school in january, i pretty much reject that offer of admissions that was extended to me, and i'd have to re-apply again next year if i wanted to be in that program for the 2009-'10 school-year.
it's such a cop-out, isn't it? but it shouldn't be surprising for a cowardly, indecisive person like me. at the same time, my little cop-out decision gives me, at least temporarily, a little breathing room to weigh pros and cons and see what benefits my current job could potentially hold for me in the months to come -- or even years to come, if i decided to stay on.
plus, i must say it doesn't hurt to actually be making dough and not have to stress out about every penny in my possession.
:-T
since the time that i notified my program of my desire to defer, i've vacillated quite a bit in the decision-making process.
on some days, i feel quite certain that i'll be starting school and going to classes again once the new year starts.
on other days, i get glimpses of the great care and guidance that the chain of command at my office has exhibited towards me. like, i seriously am being singled out and groomed and given opportunities that make me fully aware that the powers that be want me there permanently. i get an inordinate amount of pride at this, coupled with my usual self-deprecating sense of modesty, and it also instills me a sense of duty and loyalty. like, hell! the last thing i want to do is bite the hand that has been feeding me.
i know for a fact that they're going out of their way for me. it boggles my mind. like, why me?
in a way, i like it. it's quite flattering. and it makes me want to live up to their every expectation.
but in a way, i think i would have been just as fine at the job i originally applied for but didn't get due to all this shuffling. Big Cheese was impressed with me, based on statements provided by my interviewers after that interview, so he suggested that i be offered the public relations job instead. but you know, i would have been more than content at the other job with its lower profile. drafting out regs, legislative proposals, researching. it's low-key, and the office is actually a crowded space (four or five people stuffed into a working space the size of a typical bedroom). but at least i wouldn't have grown an attachment to the folks at the helm, a sense of obligation.
Decisions. i never was good at making Decisions. a lot of people think that my desire to return to school for my ph.d is so unrealistic. they are in a state of disbelief about it. isn't it better to be making money in a comfortable job, rather than waste a long period of time in school again?
it'll require a huge sacrifice on my part, i know. i can't articulate fully all the reasons why i want my ph.d. i just want it. it represents one of the higher pinnacles of intellectual achievement that one can achieve. studying whatever i want, piecing together ideas, writing about my ideas, presenting them -- and also getting three months off in the summers -- fuck me, but what a way to go!!
people are always aghast when i tell them how much i loved school. but it's not so much that i enjoyed school itself -- rather, it's that i enjoyed what it has always allowed me to do: freely engage my mind in topics i enjoyed, enlighten myself, and be creative with ideas. seriously, that's when i feel the greatness of what it is to be human, to engage my mind and just ponder about the human condition.
if i don't make the Decision to go to grad school, that does not mean i'm closing off that possibility altogether forever and ever. it just means that it will be postponed because the situation at work remains favorable and hopeful enough for me to want to linger on for a while longer and see what happens.
you know that poem by robert frost about two roads diverging in a yellow wood and how the narrator gets seriously engrossed in the dilemma of which way to go?
well, i don't want to have to choose which road to take. i'm actually more than content to find myself a spot right at the fork to sit down on and just marvel that i now have two paths before me from which to choose.
i just wanna be able to enjoy my good fortune that i have these two options, both of which i think i could truly kick ass at.
so i'll be chilling and enjoying mulling the possibilities and the potentialities.
in the meantime, all i can say is . . .
at the very least, i HOPE i'll have come to a decision by at least december . . .
:-T
a Momentous Decision.
you know. about whether to do Grad School next year or continue on with my job.
but actually, that wasn't completely true. . . .
yes, i made a Decision.
but the Decision was actually a Decision to . . . .
. . . postpone the Decision for a while longer.
:-T
yup. i decided to defer admissions. deferring gives me more time to make the Decision.
:-]
it works out in my favor. i can use the rest of the year to continue to ponder and weigh the merits of continuing to stay on at my job -- or to start my ph.d program this next january.
deferment of admissions only lasts for a semester. so if i didn't start school in january, i pretty much reject that offer of admissions that was extended to me, and i'd have to re-apply again next year if i wanted to be in that program for the 2009-'10 school-year.
it's such a cop-out, isn't it? but it shouldn't be surprising for a cowardly, indecisive person like me. at the same time, my little cop-out decision gives me, at least temporarily, a little breathing room to weigh pros and cons and see what benefits my current job could potentially hold for me in the months to come -- or even years to come, if i decided to stay on.
plus, i must say it doesn't hurt to actually be making dough and not have to stress out about every penny in my possession.
:-T
since the time that i notified my program of my desire to defer, i've vacillated quite a bit in the decision-making process.
on some days, i feel quite certain that i'll be starting school and going to classes again once the new year starts.
on other days, i get glimpses of the great care and guidance that the chain of command at my office has exhibited towards me. like, i seriously am being singled out and groomed and given opportunities that make me fully aware that the powers that be want me there permanently. i get an inordinate amount of pride at this, coupled with my usual self-deprecating sense of modesty, and it also instills me a sense of duty and loyalty. like, hell! the last thing i want to do is bite the hand that has been feeding me.
i know for a fact that they're going out of their way for me. it boggles my mind. like, why me?
in a way, i like it. it's quite flattering. and it makes me want to live up to their every expectation.
but in a way, i think i would have been just as fine at the job i originally applied for but didn't get due to all this shuffling. Big Cheese was impressed with me, based on statements provided by my interviewers after that interview, so he suggested that i be offered the public relations job instead. but you know, i would have been more than content at the other job with its lower profile. drafting out regs, legislative proposals, researching. it's low-key, and the office is actually a crowded space (four or five people stuffed into a working space the size of a typical bedroom). but at least i wouldn't have grown an attachment to the folks at the helm, a sense of obligation.
Decisions. i never was good at making Decisions. a lot of people think that my desire to return to school for my ph.d is so unrealistic. they are in a state of disbelief about it. isn't it better to be making money in a comfortable job, rather than waste a long period of time in school again?
it'll require a huge sacrifice on my part, i know. i can't articulate fully all the reasons why i want my ph.d. i just want it. it represents one of the higher pinnacles of intellectual achievement that one can achieve. studying whatever i want, piecing together ideas, writing about my ideas, presenting them -- and also getting three months off in the summers -- fuck me, but what a way to go!!
people are always aghast when i tell them how much i loved school. but it's not so much that i enjoyed school itself -- rather, it's that i enjoyed what it has always allowed me to do: freely engage my mind in topics i enjoyed, enlighten myself, and be creative with ideas. seriously, that's when i feel the greatness of what it is to be human, to engage my mind and just ponder about the human condition.
if i don't make the Decision to go to grad school, that does not mean i'm closing off that possibility altogether forever and ever. it just means that it will be postponed because the situation at work remains favorable and hopeful enough for me to want to linger on for a while longer and see what happens.
you know that poem by robert frost about two roads diverging in a yellow wood and how the narrator gets seriously engrossed in the dilemma of which way to go?
well, i don't want to have to choose which road to take. i'm actually more than content to find myself a spot right at the fork to sit down on and just marvel that i now have two paths before me from which to choose.
i just wanna be able to enjoy my good fortune that i have these two options, both of which i think i could truly kick ass at.
so i'll be chilling and enjoying mulling the possibilities and the potentialities.
in the meantime, all i can say is . . .
at the very least, i HOPE i'll have come to a decision by at least december . . .
:-T
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
a very agreeable summer
haven't posted in a long time -- but seriously, it's not for wont of trying! i've had a lot to say -- but for some reason, i've also been having trouble saying them. . . .
but i think i'm good now.
:-T
life has seriously been great so far. this has been the summer that i feel like i've always wanted. it's been chill, challenging, fun, exuberant.
work has me keeping busy. i don't do anything, like, hard. but it's still time-consuming and engrossing, and i'm left completely spent at the end of the day. this new boss of mine gives me enough crap work to keep busy. . . .
my boss is generally a somber fellow. he's also huge. like, a giant. not fat. just big. his hands are more than twice the size of mine. when i see him at his computer, i often marvel at how his thick fingers manage to type on the right keys. there are unexpected bursts of humor from him but always issued in the same serious monotone he employs when he has his mind on the business at hand. for instance, after lunch today, he stopped by my cube and asked me if i had a mint. of course, i have a gazillion starlight mints (the urge to smoke has gone away, but not my craving for them mints!), so i gave him a handful.
another co-worker happened to be passing by, and she noticed our exchange. "ugh!" she said in mock disgust and waving a hand underneath her nose. "are you the one who's causing up a stink 'round here with that breath?" she asked my boss.
without missing a beat, my boss said, "is it that bad? but why don't you pull my finger and see what else i can stink up?"
O_O
sorry. but that had me giggling. haven't i mentioned on this blog how much i love fart jokes and all?
;)
but my boss' sense of humor is just so unexpected -- and so incongruous with his usual mannerisms. i feel like i've always gotta be on my toes so that i can catch and understand whatever surprise quip comes out of him.
otherwise, for the most part, he's mr. serious. and he's got me working pretty hard lately.
so far, my co-workers are generally pretty cool in my new area. my cube is off to the side, so i can actually do my own thing and keep to myself. but the people who i do share breaks and chit-chat with are pretty cool peeps. there are actually more people closer to my age in this new area than there were in the executive office, so i'm actually having more fun in this new area (despite working feverishly on the projects my new boss has assigned to me) than i had upstairs.
i still miss having my own office, though. with a door and everything!
O_O
i was glad this past weekend was a three-day weekend. on friday, i did a 10k race -- it was hella fun! my fourth of the year/summer! there are three more local races that i would do this month -- if i didn't have the bar exam. . . .
dammit. fucker!
O_o
i had a belated birthday present on saturday. it is FANFUCKINGTASTIC! my next post will (i think) be about it. or soon -- i will share what it is soon.
:)
but man, i really love summer. summer summer summer! here in norcal, it's been 100+ degrees, and the air is full of the soot from those fires that are still raging in fairfield and other areas. but already this is a summer to remember, for the good and the bad, the planned and the unplanned. . . .
why can't it always be like this?
:-T
but i think i'm good now.
:-T
life has seriously been great so far. this has been the summer that i feel like i've always wanted. it's been chill, challenging, fun, exuberant.
work has me keeping busy. i don't do anything, like, hard. but it's still time-consuming and engrossing, and i'm left completely spent at the end of the day. this new boss of mine gives me enough crap work to keep busy. . . .
my boss is generally a somber fellow. he's also huge. like, a giant. not fat. just big. his hands are more than twice the size of mine. when i see him at his computer, i often marvel at how his thick fingers manage to type on the right keys. there are unexpected bursts of humor from him but always issued in the same serious monotone he employs when he has his mind on the business at hand. for instance, after lunch today, he stopped by my cube and asked me if i had a mint. of course, i have a gazillion starlight mints (the urge to smoke has gone away, but not my craving for them mints!), so i gave him a handful.
another co-worker happened to be passing by, and she noticed our exchange. "ugh!" she said in mock disgust and waving a hand underneath her nose. "are you the one who's causing up a stink 'round here with that breath?" she asked my boss.
without missing a beat, my boss said, "is it that bad? but why don't you pull my finger and see what else i can stink up?"
O_O
sorry. but that had me giggling. haven't i mentioned on this blog how much i love fart jokes and all?
;)
but my boss' sense of humor is just so unexpected -- and so incongruous with his usual mannerisms. i feel like i've always gotta be on my toes so that i can catch and understand whatever surprise quip comes out of him.
otherwise, for the most part, he's mr. serious. and he's got me working pretty hard lately.
so far, my co-workers are generally pretty cool in my new area. my cube is off to the side, so i can actually do my own thing and keep to myself. but the people who i do share breaks and chit-chat with are pretty cool peeps. there are actually more people closer to my age in this new area than there were in the executive office, so i'm actually having more fun in this new area (despite working feverishly on the projects my new boss has assigned to me) than i had upstairs.
i still miss having my own office, though. with a door and everything!
O_O
i was glad this past weekend was a three-day weekend. on friday, i did a 10k race -- it was hella fun! my fourth of the year/summer! there are three more local races that i would do this month -- if i didn't have the bar exam. . . .
dammit. fucker!
O_o
i had a belated birthday present on saturday. it is FANFUCKINGTASTIC! my next post will (i think) be about it. or soon -- i will share what it is soon.
:)
but man, i really love summer. summer summer summer! here in norcal, it's been 100+ degrees, and the air is full of the soot from those fires that are still raging in fairfield and other areas. but already this is a summer to remember, for the good and the bad, the planned and the unplanned. . . .
why can't it always be like this?
:-T
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
a conversation with my mom
"look at my skin," my mom said to me, leaning in close to me and rubbing at her cheek with her fingers. "i'm using a new lotion, and it makes my face look good! no more wrinkles!"
i obediently obliged and leaned forward, peering at her face in the area she indicated. "yeah," i said affably. "your skin looks great."
"i don't look my age!" my mom said triumphantly. "no one ever thinks i'm fifty-blank years old!"
"it's because you're asian," i replied to her in an exaggeratedly patient tone, as if that explained everything.
"if you say so," my mom said doubtfully, disdainfully.
"it's funny," i mused out loud to her, kind of absent-mindedly. "at work, i tend to hang out with a couple of twenty-three year olds and one twenty-one year old. one of them asked me how old i was today when we were having lunch. when i answered him, they all said they would never have thought i was much older than them -- they said i act and look as if i were much more closer to their age!"
"we don't act our age," my mom said.
i agreed. "yeah," i told my mom. "you're kind of goofy."
"no, i'm not," my mom said, slightly affronted. "but there is no mom who is as fun as me, huh? there is no mom who does the things i do!"
"very true," i said reassuringly. "it's 'cause you're goofy." i smiled laughingly at her.
"no, i'm not," said my mom.
"yes, you are," i said.
"no, i'm not.
i obediently obliged and leaned forward, peering at her face in the area she indicated. "yeah," i said affably. "your skin looks great."
"i don't look my age!" my mom said triumphantly. "no one ever thinks i'm fifty-blank years old!"
"it's because you're asian," i replied to her in an exaggeratedly patient tone, as if that explained everything.
"if you say so," my mom said doubtfully, disdainfully.
"it's funny," i mused out loud to her, kind of absent-mindedly. "at work, i tend to hang out with a couple of twenty-three year olds and one twenty-one year old. one of them asked me how old i was today when we were having lunch. when i answered him, they all said they would never have thought i was much older than them -- they said i act and look as if i were much more closer to their age!"
"we don't act our age," my mom said.
i agreed. "yeah," i told my mom. "you're kind of goofy."
"no, i'm not," my mom said, slightly affronted. "but there is no mom who is as fun as me, huh? there is no mom who does the things i do!"
"very true," i said reassuringly. "it's 'cause you're goofy." i smiled laughingly at her.
"no, i'm not," said my mom.
"yes, you are," i said.
"no, i'm not.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
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