on a downer note

you know what?  like, seriously, you wanna know what?

 

i'm not ready for the bar exam.

 

to the anonymous person who has been sending me positive vibes about the bar, i thank you so much for your words of confident encouragement.

 

but you are wrong.

 

i am not ready.

 

if i were smart, i would not have signed up for it this july.  i had all these other obligations that distracted me for so long.  i made false promises to the ch!ef of my office that i was hitting the books hard and that i was ready.

 

lies.  all lies.  no -- false misrepresentations.  all of it.

 

i am not ready.

 

i will still go in and see what can be done.  i will go in on those three days and tackle the exam and hope for the best.  but the way i see it, based on my lack of preparation and lack of focus and lack of determination, this will just be a practice test -- for when i take in february 2010.

 

there are a lot of things that contributed to this.

 

i had a lot of drama going on with the crazy boss that i was working with all through the months of may and june.

 

and then there was some stuff going on with dimples.

 

and then there were other things going on as to other matters.

 

so my focus was not there.  my heart was there -- but my mind and a focused sense of determination were not.

 

and then there were other things, such as the fact that i am so far removed from the point in time when i graduated from law school.

 

it's been 5 years.

 

there are many reasons why i graduated from law school without having the urge to be a lawyer.  i denied myself the chance of being a practicing attorney for so long that it has come to have an effect on my psyche.  so whenever it's time to take the bar exam, i end up getting filled with so much doubt: is this what i really want to do?  or am i doing this because i feel i have to?  what's going to happen if i actually do pass?  what's going to become of me if i fail it -- again?

 

i have issues in regards to self-confidence, i think.

 

and now, it's even more crazy.  because everyone at work knows about me taking the bar exam.  i have done such a good job of laying low.  people know i have a college degree.  they may even know that i have a master's degree.  but i rarely told anyone about my law degree.  they think i'm just one of them.  normal.  a rank-and-file employee.

 

or so i thought.

 

come to find out, no.  they know all.  they know what degrees i have.  and they know i am taking the week off for the sake of taking this exam.

 

it really is disruptive to me to know that they all know.  it's just jarring.  disjunctive.  without most of them saying a word, i can still feel the silent questions being hurled at me.  or maybe it's just my over-active imagination.  when i thought they didn't know, i thought i could pass myself off as a middle-of-the-road kind of employee.  one who never really aimed high and thus is content being a mid-level employee forever and ever. 

 

but now i feel like they are wondering, "what the fuck is she doing here?  why hasn't she moved on?  why isn't she an attorney?  why is she content making an average salary?  why doesn't she take advantage of the education she's gotten?"

 

i feel these questions coming at me.  i really do.  and they make me wince.

 

at the same time, i feel pissed about it.  i hate having people know all my biz without my permission.  i feel like i should be the gateway.  i should be the one who has the power to divulge personal information to those i choose and whom i trust. 

 

i don't think my life should be fodder for gossip.

 

so i'm pissed about it.  i think it's wrong.

 

i know i ought to have more confidence in myself.  confidence in my ability to one day pass the bar.  confidence that, regardless of what other people say or think about me, i am the shit and they can go suck an egg.  confidence that the path i've chosen to walk these past five years will lead me to where i want to go and towards my own happiness.  confidence that i will be a better, more effective, and more aware attorney because of this entire journey.

 

but i can't.  i feel like i'm just plodding along.  i feel that, no matter how hard i try to grasp my own destiny, far too many people are still trying to control me because of their knowledge of how sensitive i am towards other people's opinions of me.  i think it's fucking manipulative.

 

arrrgh.  seriously, maybe i need to move on to something else -- try something new for once. . . .