it's over

i should feel relieved.

the past couple of days, when i have neither seen nor heard from her, i thought about whether i should be the one to break it off. i even thought about what i would say. and i felt that, if i did go through with it, no matter what, things would be fine and we could continue on as friends.

and then today happened.

i saw dimples was in the office when i first got in this morning, and something changed in me.

my resolve disappeared.

and i started feeling quite a few negative emotions.

it's supposed to have been no strings attached.

what the hell does that mean?

to me, in the most colloquial way, it means she and i can see each other whenever we want and hook up, then call it a day until the next booty call.

but for us, in actuality, in the way we have previously discussed this relationship, it had a different meaning. it pretty much meant, at least theoretically, that she could go about with her own life, be a mother to her kid, be a daughter for her mom, work her two jobs, deal with whatever obligations came up, and then just call me whenever there was a break in her schedule. it meant that, during the times when we were not spending time together, we are not supposed to think about, yearn, or otherwise bother or badger each other until the next time we could see each other, however long that took.

seriously. i thought i could deal with that. you don't want me to be emotionally vested? fine. you want to just call me when you next need a booty call? fine.

but i guess, when push came to shove, i couldn't deal with that. hence the negative emotions that rose up in me today. i got frustrated. i missed her. somehow, she is the one who can go through a few days, a few weeks, without thinking about me. and i guess i'm needier than that. a text message, an e-mail, a call -- i need at least something during the drought period, when i can't see her, anything from her, to let me know she's thinking about me.

sure. it doesn't make sense. i don't get it myself. rationally, i know better. i'm not supposed to have gotten emotionally attached.

and yet, look at me. i've been sad ever since we had the blow-up this afternoon . . . .

pathetic.

. . . .

okay, let me back-track a bit and tell the whole story, not just bits and pieces.

so she was at work today. and the moment i saw she was there, the calm resolve i'd felt melted away, and i was instantly angsty.

she came by a few moments after i'd settled in at my desk. she asked me how i was and we engaged in small-talk in our usual way. even though we chatted for a few minutes, i couldn't completely hide the frustration that'd been festering in me this past week.

i was just really feeling it churn in me. we were supposed to hang out on saturday, but she'd cancelled at the last minute. before she got called away to travel for work this past tuesday, we'd talked about hanging out either wednesday or thursday to just talk -- but we never got the chance. in the meantime, not an apology for changing plans at the last minute, nothing to indicate that she was thinking about me -- like, it's just the same routine.

which is fine. no strings attached, right?

but couple this no-strings-attached thing with the fact that we have gotten into pretty emotional talks/arguments right on schedule at least once a week for the past month, and seriously, you create a mess that undermines the whole original, underlying principle.

so the morning small-talk ended pretty quickly and we both kind of did our own thing. two hours later, she e-mailed me. essentially, she wrote that she knew i was kind of upset at her, that she didn't feel that she did anything wrong, but did i want to get together later in the evening to talk?

i stewed around about the e-mail for a while. in fact, i stewed around too long. like, of course, i wanted to talk. i've been wanting to talk. but all this talk about wanting to get together to talk was starting to be fucking annoying.

i wanted to just write to her a simple statement that conveyed my interest in taking her up on her offer. but a small part of me wanted to be honest and let her know that i was unhappy. i finally chomped down on the emotions and sent her back an e-mail that said, essentially, no, i'm not upset, but yes, i'd love to get together and still talk. but i added a pointed question, "are you sure?" because the memory of me heading out to see her on saturday and being just about to hit the freeway, when she finally texted me back and told me she couldn't make our meeting still lurked fresh in my mind.

the thing to note is that she sent me her e-mail at maybe 10:30 a.m.

by the time i wrote back, it was 2 p.m.

i blame work on this. i have been really busy at work this past week -- to the point where i've stayed in at the office late each day, monday thru thursday, well past my check-out time. and today, the work load was heavy as usual, so i had no time. and i just didn't know what to say. i wanted to be nonchalant and pretend nothing was going on -- but that snarky piece of me was being a dipshit.

so the amount of time i spent trying to construct what ultimately was a two-sentence e-mail pissed her off.

she wrote back pretty quickly and essentially told me off in a very indignant way. she let me know how fucked up i was being and that she didn't think she deserved me acting all distant as i had that morning and that she thought we had resolved all those issues about how she would not be able to make me a priority, etc. and she also added, what the fuck did i mean by adding, "are you sure?" she wouldn't have made the offer if she wasn't sure.

i wrote back right after and really tried to be polite. my response stated that i wanted to be sure that she could come out tonight and talk because my experience the past saturday, when she had cancelled at the last minute, was that things could change with her at the last minute. i also apologized for acting distant that morning. but i told her i'd been spending 11 straight hours at the office every day that week. in my mind, as i wrote out that apology, i was thinking snarkily, "but you would know that i've been spending long hours at work if you even tried checking on me all week."

long story short, she ended up sending a terse e-mail in reply. but before i even realized she'd sent me one, she stopped by my cube.

"hi," i said, when i noticed her. my ear buds had been plugged in my ears, so i pulled them out. "how's it going?"

"good," she said.

anyone listening to this conversation would have thought we were just having an amiable office chat. but our eyes spoke volumes at each other. i saw she had a funny look on her face, but i couldn't read what emotions were going through her.

"i just e-mailed you," she told me. she began looking everywhere else but at me.

"oh, you did?" i asked. i hadn't seen her message yet.

"yeah," she said. "but i wanted you to know that it was kind of --" she dropped her voice "-- mad --" and she raised her voice again, "but i want you to know i --"

i interrupted her. this was not a conversation we should be having here inside the office. "hey, you wanna go for a walk?"

"sure," she said quickly. and we walked out brusquely.

as soon as we cleared the office doors that led outdoors, she let loose on me. "i am so mad," she told me in a hard but matter-of-fact voice.

"at me?" i said.

"yes -- no --" she said. "i dunno."

she and i seem to say that a lot to each other -- "i dunno" -- whenever we have these kinds of conversations.

"i thought we were fine," she began ranting at me. "i thought we were cool. i thought you understood --"

i snapped. "i do understand --" i started to say.

but she cut me off. and when she got started, i knew it was best to just hear her out and not interrupt.

"i can't do this," she said in a rush. "i don't want to be in a relationship. this is too much -- and i told you that i just don't have time. and i'll have even less time from now on."

we were walking now. our office is located in the ghetto, and behind the office is a ghetto neighborhood. when she and i and other co-workers go for walks during breaks, just to get out of the office, we go along a particular route, exiting the back of our building and walking perhaps a half-mile through the ghetto neighborhood. our route circles around to come back to the front doors of the office. she and i walked that familiar route automatically during our talk.

i tried to tell her how i felt, but i couldn't find words that were . . . neutral enough. but i tried. "i'm just . . . frustrated," i told her haltingly. "i feel . . . like i'm making more of an effort than you. i know we're not in a relationship. i shouldn't have these expectations. but i just . . . i need you to show me that you want to try to make this work, too. these past few weeks, i feel like i've been making all the effort!"

she gave me an almost disgusted look. "what -- it's only been a week!"

"no," i said, "it's been like this for the past three or four weeks!"

"no!" she said, affronted. "just a week. at most, two. but you know i've been trying to think about things this week and that's why i have been distant."

that shut me up. i'd forgotten that she wanted to take the time to think. but seriously, did she need to take that long to think??

and then what she does, when we have these talks, is try to turn things around so that they are about me. she says things in such a way to make me think she is trying to look out for me. and it just makes me feel bad.

"this is not fair to you," she said to me today, just as she has said to me those times before. "i don't want you to be all caught up with me. i can't be with you as much as i want, and that's just not fair to you."

it was just the same ol' talk.

it took us 15, 20 minutes to circle through the neighborhood and come back to the office. by the end of the talk, i was getting even more frustrated by the talk. it sounded like she wanted to break it off because she felt like she had no other choice in the matter. so i engaged in the kind of short dialogue i use when i feel like nothing i can say can make a person change her mind: "fine." "okay." "whatever." "fine."

we started approaching the office entrance and were silent for a few moments. i was mad but wasn't going to say anything. she's the type of girl who is stubborn and if i got mad and reactionary, that would set her off, too. so i thought, "if this is it, then fine -- i can do this. and yes, we can be friends."

but as we crossed the parking lot of our office, i saw her hands, which had been nervously fiddling with her glasses while we walked (she had taken them off), go up to her face. and she started to cry a little.

that melted me. i was no longer angry.

"i'm sorry," i said. and i meant it.

"what?" she said. but i knew she heard.

"i'm sorry," i said louder, more firmly. and i was. i had done this -- to her, to myself -- by being a punk ass, selfish, needy little bitch. "and i want you to say you accept."

that calmed her instantly. she is always telling me not to apologize for things. she hates that i tend to blame myself for everything.

"let's keep walking," i said. "we're not done talking."

she gave an exasperated laugh.

"so you really want a no-strings-attached relationship," i said. "and maybe i'm just not understanding what you mean by that. like,, what exactly do you picture in your mind? what is it that you envision in that kind of relationship, based on how your life is now?" i was sounding quite formal, but i really wanted to know.

the question seemed to take her off-guard. "it's not that i want no-strings-attached --" she started to say.

but that got me exasperated. "you just said you did!" i exclaimed. i got ready to tell her off.

"i know," she said, and she was getting teary again. "but it's too late for us. even if we tried to get back to that right now, we can't. there are too many emotions involved." she paused and seemed to take a breath. "like, i told you that it's okay for you to see other people. i don't want to hold you back, especially if you want to go out and have fun. but at the same time -- i don't want you to see other people. . . ." and then she started to say other things.

but i blanked out on what the rest of her sentence was. this bit about how she didn't really want me to see other people floored me. she had told me on a couple of occasions that i shouldn't feel like i was tied down to her at all and had encouraged me to feel free to date other people. whenever she said such things, it often made me feel embarrassed and i never said anything.

but it never occurred to me, really, that she was just only saying that until that moment. and it just made me understand more fully that this whole conversation we'd been having while walking had been just a whole load of horse shit and that she had other, deeper emotions involved, too.

it wasn't just me.

i don't remember how the conversation ended. but in sum, we broke up.

and i just remember we were both upset. i couldn't say a word. she said lamely, just before we went back inside, that she might call me tomorrow so that we could continue talking but she didn't think we could talk tonight after all. i just kind of nodded numbly.

but i don't think she will.

you see, after that conversation, when we went back to our desks, i wrote her another e-mail.

in it, i said i was really sad about stuff. and that for a non-relationship, like ours had been, i was feeling heartbroken enough to feel that maybe the relationship had been real after all. all in all, i wrote back to her as plainly and honestly as i could without being too emotional. but i am now regretting what i wrote in that e-mail because, despite my best intentions, i think i came off as self-absorbed and selfish as ever.

and i am sure it reinforces for her that she cannot (should not) be involved with someone like me at this point. we've gone beyond how things were supposed to be, and it's turned into something that shouldn't have been.

there's just something wrong with me. it's all my fault that things got to this point. i just get so fucking attached. i knew, going in, that this relationship would not be a long-term one at all.

but look at me now. sniveling over things. filled with so much heavy regret.

the truth is . . . well, i just let myself get attached.

it's not that i was in love with her. it's not that i sought some sort of happily-ever-after with her.

it's just that. . . .

i dunno.

well, i generally don't have a practice of being able to remain emotionally detached when i start hanging out with someone a lot.

especially someone i've been intimate with in more than one way.

and dimples . . . . there's just something about her. i really enjoyed being with her. she's crazy. but in a good way. it was always so good just to be in her company, be her friend.

how do you remain detached? all you letharios, male or female, who are able to engage with other people and remain aloof -- i envy you. i need to know your secret.

i hate caring so much. i hate it.

caring is good when it's mutual. but it sucks when it goes bad.

what's worse is that . . . i did this. she is off in her own world right now, and she is hurting. and here i am in my little world, feeling the same.

and i did this. i did this to the both of us. just by caring.