a little explosion: pt. 2

date: friday, october 3, 2008

time: 9:45 p.m.

setting: me, in my car, driving down the freeway.

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i was driving home after hanging out with co-workers.

dimples was supposed to be there. but at the last minute, she said she couldn't make it.

so the co-workers and i still met up with each other, and it was generally a good time, although there were moments when i felt completely detached from them and got lost in my own head. i heard their words, their laughter, but i felt so disconnected with them, felt like i didn't want to be there, felt like i shouldn't even be there.

finally, after three hours, i took my leave and went home.

i was nervous as i drove. and also somewhat buzzed. i wanted to call dimples. but if i called her cell, i knew there was a good chance that she would see my name on her caller i.d. and choose not to pick up.

so ultimately, i decided to call her house phone.

the alcohol worked to give me nerves and a sense of bravado that sobriety probably would not have gifted me with. all day, it had just been really weird with her. and yet, while at work, whenever i asked her if anything was wrong, she would say "no" with a casual shrug of her shoulders. even so, there would be something in her gaze, which shot straight into mine, that told me there was something more going on.

the phone rang three times. then her roommate picked up. "hello?" said the voice. i actually thought the voice was dimples'.

"hi, dimples," i said, "it's abbagirl."

"oh, hi, abbagirl!" said the voice. "this isn't dimples -- it's me, dimples' roommate.

the roommate then went to go get dimples. and then dimples came onto the phone.

"hi," i said. i was feeling awkward. "how's it going?"

"good," she said. "how was the evening out with everyone?"

"good," i said. and then i gave a brief description of the evening. just giving her the recap made me feel so much better and confidence. then i asked how her evening was.

"good," she said. she rattled off, rather automatically, the chores she had done that evening.

then there was an awkward pause.

"um," i said, not knowing how to begin. then i said it: "do we need to talk?"

"no," she said.

i paused. "are you sure?" i asked her.

"umm . . ." she began hesitating. "well, maybe."

i paused again. "you mean maybe you're sure there's nothing to talk about? or "maybe" as in maybe we need to talk?"

"maybe we need to talk . . . ." she said.

i could tell from her tone: "tonight's not a good time, huh?"

"no," she said simply. then: "tomorrow, i'll call you."

"okay," i answered. "well, bye, then."

"bye."