bar exam results

hi.

i just wanted to let you know that i passed the calbar.



actually, no. i did not pass.

this is what not passing looks like:

or another way to say it:

you have to give them credit. the bar doesn't use the words "you failed, you fucktard!" directly. it only tells you that your name, based on the numbers you provide, is not showing up on the pass list.

last night, before the results were released, i resolved that, no matter what, after i got my results, i'd go out on the town with friends and have a grand ol' time ho'ing it up and having fun.

but you know, when it came right down to it . . . i ended up not wanting to go out at all. so i didn't.

first, i doubled-checked the results over and over again, desperately hoping that i had gotten my numbers mixed up. i must've kept typing in the numbers a good seven or eight times automatically, just to make sure, and then only sat around in dumb silence.

needless to say, my desire to go out and get drunk completely evaporated at that point. i called my friends to say that i wouldn't be going out. and then i cried a bit. and then i called my mom.

i always call her when the going gets tough.

when she picked up, i said, "i have something to tell you."

"what?" she said, sensing the seriousness of my tone.

i had to pause a bit before i could tell her, otherwise i would start crying again. "i didn't pass."

"so?" she said indignantly, without missing a beat. "so what? it's no big deal!"

i love my mom. and although she has said as such to me before, it was good to hear it coming from her, she who is the most important person in my life.

and we had a small talk about it. well, she talked. i could not speak without my voice breaking and wavering. but in short, her take on it was that it was not a big deal; that it would have been great if i had passed but i was never really passionate about practicing law anyway; that i was planning to go back to grad. school anyway; and that if i wanted to take it again, she would do what she could financially to help me out.

it was reassuring to hear that.

but after i got off the phone, i still cried to myself a bit more.

and i turned off my cell phone so that no one could get ahold of me.

it still is off. i'm just not ready to talk about it.

and plus i already know what they will say, and just thinking about all that tripe they will feed me to make me feel better just makes me angry.

and i would be lying if i said that i wasn't angry in addition to being completely depressed and deflated.

i was pissed. i still am.

i'm so angry about a number of things.

i'm mad at myself, for one. for wanting this so badly that i could cry and for caring so much about passing this one damned exam. do i want to be an attorney? do i not? i always said no. then why am i so upset? why do i feel like my world has sunk into a black hole with no possibility of being saved?

and i'm angry at my friends with whom i hung out a couple of nights ago. they both are practicing attorneys. and they had the nerve to tell me that being attorneys isn't what it's cut out to be. "you go through law school," they said, "thinking that attorneys do good work, but once you start practicing, you find that there are so many dumb shits and power-grubbing white men out there. it's not worth it. you should be glad you're not one."

and this actually led into a passionate argument from me. i didn't want to hear that kind of bull-shit. of course, attorneys are assholes. i could have them that myself in fucking law school! but what made me most angry was that they were both sitting there across from me in their professional clothes, having just gotten off work, and are each making $ 60k and $ 90k per annum respectively, telling me that being an attorney is not the shizz. i was too polite to say "shut the fuck up!", but it is amazingly condescending and patronizing. i couldn't believe they had the gall to tell me it was "okay" for me to be in this situation, having graduated from law school three fucking years ago and still making my damned living off of idiotic jobs, including that damned temp job i recently resigned from, making $ 17 an hour. $ 17 an hour!

so i don't want to hear any of that bullshit about how "you wouldn't like being a lawyer anyway." what the fuck --?! don't be saying that to me, hon'. you took the bar right after law school, you passed on your first fucking try, and now you're making fucking bank at one of the best private firms in the damned state. so don't be telling me how bad it is on your side of things, all right? fuck you!

my anger is more directed at ms. $ 9ok/year as opposed to ms. $ 60k/year. i know ms. $ 60k understands where i'm coming from more than ms. $ 90k; she's been even poorer than me, and she understands that it is just not that easy for me to be blase about not passing. ms. $ 90k understands as well, in her way, but i just found her so fucking presumptuous.

there were a couple of times during the night, as we hung out that night, when she made a pointed effort to try to get the tab for me; the bar we were at required us to order at the bar and pay with cash, and so she would jump up from her seat at every opportunity and ask me if i wanted more drinks. and then we went out to eat later, and she tried to buy me my food. i demurred, for the most part -- but the times that i did accept drinks from her only came about after i had bought several rounds for everyone else myself, too.

like, geez louise! fuck that shit! did i ask you for your money? save it! i'd rather eat off the ground!

there are many things that abbagirl is -- insecure, obviously not very smart (obviously), impractical, moony-eyed, ultra self-absorbed. but above all, abbagirl is also pathetically full of pride and does not take hand-outs, even from well-meaning (albeit pompous) friends. in fact, nothing gets her dander up more than people thinking she is in need of charitable hand-outs.

abbagirl getting into one of her rages . . . .

maybe it is just too easy to be angry at ms. $90k/year. perhaps seeing how successful she has been makes it just so easy for me to be simultaneously envious of and angry at her.

i don't know . . . . i'm just so upset right now. i don't know anything anymore.

the only thing i know is i'm taking that fucker again in february. that's only three months away. i don't have any fucking money, and i cannot afford to dedicate my life to it yet again and so soon. but i have to.

*sigh* it sucks being abbagirl sometimes.

i think my problem, when it comes to the bar exam, is this:

sure, it doesn't mean shit to be a fricking failure. and sure, if i ever do get to practice, i would likely not stay in the profession for very long . . . .

but not being licensed to practice makes me feel like a nobody. my life doesn't amount to shit until or unless i pass. and it is only when i feel like i've made the choice to not practice that i will feel satisfied enough to move on.

that's what it boils down to for me, plain and simple.

it just sucks ass to be a nobody.

so i'm cutting my vacation short and will be heading back home within the next day or so. it's time to start studying again. and so i'll be burying myself with study materials once more, with the spectre of shame being my one and only constant companion.

until then, and for ever-more afterwards, here's to the nobodies.

"the nobodies" -- marilyn manson