things to look forward to . . . .

my minor, work-related rant aside, today was a satisfying day.

i'm being kept busy at work, and there are a number of pots to watch over. but i'm still managing to stay on my feet, over the stove, tending to each pot. there are moments of indecision when i wonder, in a tired way, whether i'm capable of doing the stuff i'm being asked to do. but in the end, i buck up and keep plowing forward because my boss is just exhibiting all sorts of confidence in me. so the least i can do is meet her at least half-way and make sure that confidence is not misplaced.

i can't get over how great my boss is. she knows a lot of the concepts are new to me, that there are a gazillion rules and policies that i'm not familiar with, so she has no problems repeating and simplifying her explanations so that a fuddy-duddy dunderhead like myself can understand a bit more easily.

simple language is best for abbagirl's poor, simple mind.

seriously, though, this boss rocks. very efficient and focused -- but totally personable. she can get caught up in the moment and start becoming really intense, though. i don't take it personally -- i know it's the fact that there's just so much shit to do. i just try to do my part, do whatever she instructs me to do -- but i also do other intangibles, too, which i know she appreciates. like, today, i finally saw flashes of annoyance in her because certain out-of-control things were happening or when other people were proving to be dumb asses. her tension was causing me to be tense. so i made a couple of quick jokes and flippant remarks, and they were enough to ease the tension and for her to start smiling again. and that, in turn, made it easier for me to concentrate on the stuff we were talking about.

i think that's at least a small part of the reason why i was hired: to balance out her intensity, her personality. i swear i don't do it in a kiss-ass way, though. i could if i wanted to! but it's just not my way. plus, i just genuinely like my boss! so there's no need to be a kiss-butt even if it was in my nature to be like that.

those other folks in the office who don't respect me until they find out i work for her are really starting to get on my nerves, though. like, whether you like me or don't like me, at least have the guts to make that decision on my own merits -- and not based on whom i'm associated or affiliated with. but even likeability is not the issue -- it's all about treating people you work with proper respect and decorum, regardless of who they are. i hate to sound like a first grade teacher here, but didn't we all learn the importance of getting along with each other when we were still knee-high and clinging to our mommy's hand?

:-P

in other news, i'm super stoked to report that i've managed to run every day this week. i've made a point of doing so after work each evening thus far. sometimes it's hard. like, today, i was just too pooped for words. i didn't think i'd be able to do it today. but after being home for about 45 minutes and just lounging about, something clicked in my head, and all of a sudden, i felt a surge of energy -- so i took advantage, before i could change my mind, and got myself ready for the gym.

generally, i either hit the park that's near my house, where there is a rugged, unpaved track, and run laps, or if the weather is too cold or windy or too late in the evening, i hit the gym. it's all in an effort to be in tip-top condition for a race this sunday, and i am quite intent on ensuring that no eighty-year-old man, gimping along in short shorts, passes me by and laps me.

yes, that happened to me last year. swear to god.

:-T

something else i'm super stoked about, and forgive my nerdiness, is the fact that i'm getting super cute eyeglasses.

yah. uh-huh. i'm a nerd.

:-T

one of the first things i did, after finally being able to enroll in all the wonderful benefits provided by my job, is get an eye exam done -- which, as a near-sighted nerd who has desperately staved off using her very last pair of disposable contact lenses for, like, ever now, is practically heaven-sent. so i've finally got a new stash of contact lenses.

whew! state jobs ROCK!!

and after a lot of agonizing over a couple of cute frames at the doctor's office, i finally narrowed my choices down to a valentino frame or a juicy couture one (no, i had no idea juicy couture made eyeglass frames, either. but as you'd expect, they had some really cute and trendy frames). both the valentino and the juicy ones were on the expensive side -- about $ 200 each. my vision plan allows for a $ 75 deductible, so i'd only have to pay about $ 125 out of pocket for the frames alone (there are other niceties you have to pay for out-of-pocket, too, though -- like the cost of shrinking your lenses so that you don't go around wearing thick glasses that magnify your eyeballs 400 times). even with the deductible, i thought $ 125 was still a bit much . . . .

but in the end, of course, i decided on the valentino one. ;)

i figured cuteness has a price -- and i might as well go for it while i can afford it. seriously, it feels good to throw money like that into the wind after having pinched pennies for so long. like, i'm just glad to not have to be burdened with worries of how i'm going to pay for my next stash of groceries! dude -- that shit sucks ass -- like, big time.

so now i'm just eagerly waiting for my new spectacles to be ready for pick-up. but seriously, it was cute. like, majorly. even if i were poor, i would still find a way to get them. i had forced my sister to come along with me to help me pick out frames, and she liked it, too. usually i prefer to wear contact lenses. but i think i'll start wearing glasses again soon for the heck of it.

:-T

anyhow . . . after my race this sunday, i think i'll start re-studying for the bar again.

. . . why the hell not? right? it's the logical step. and i'm a logical person. i know i ought to keep going and keep trying . . . .

i just need to figure out, as one anonymous commenter mentioned a while ago, where exactly i'm going wrong. what is it that prevents me from passing?

it fucking makes me mad to think about it. but i know i'm just still not understanding how my answers ought to be laid out. i can't wait to get my answers back and see what i wrote. i'll then compare them to the model answers that the calbar posts on the website.

but i know i have everything i need. i've got all the materials. i'll need to find some more mbe questions to practice on -- but other than that, i know i have everything i need. my outlines and outlining methods are good -- i know that because a friend of mine relied on a few outlines i had done for the california topics and found them helpful for one of the essay questions that came up . . . . and she passed.

it's this noggin of mine. i'm just . . . mentally stuck. in mediocrity. stuck. i am. not -- very bright. . . .

:(

abbagirl must think about her valentino eye glasses . . . yes, valentino . . . cute . . . cheer up, abbagirl. . . . don't let bar exam get you down . . . .

and think -- payday soon . . . ! this friday . . . then can go shopping -- for shoes!!

oh, yeah -- gotta get some shoes. :) i've got a family wedding reception dinner thing-y soon . . . i've had my eye on this cute strapless green dress -- and must go find matching shoes . . . .

okay, i guess i feel somewhat better now. . . .

:-T

minor work-related rant

one of the projects i'm working on at work is the hiring/interview crap for another unit. i'm on loan to that unit to work on that while still doing stuff my own boss assigns to me. it makes for a lot of craziness -- but it sure does make the day pass by quickly.

anyhow, one of the people from that other unit i'm on loan to started giving me a hard time earlier today. like, i've been calling applicants to schedule them for interview appointments -- and as i mentioned earlier, there are a gazillion rules for this personnel crap, and i'm just trying to keep my head above water and make sure i'm following all the rules and stuff.

but apparently, i'm still not doing a good enough job, so the lady, who isn't even management level but is still going to be on the interview panel, started giving me shit. we got all het up about it. she was telling me i should do/should have done this, that, and the other. and i was gritting my teeth, but i thanked her for her guidance. i also reiterated that i was kind of on loan to them and that doing all the hiring crap was out of my jurisdiction as it was.

but she still started getting worked up. apparently, there are flaws in how i managed the whole affair. so then she started asking me, "who do you work for? who's your boss?"

and by this time, she was pretty loud -- i think the whole unit could hear. and so i kinda started talking loudly, too.

at first, i didn't answer her question directly. truthbetold, if she doesn't know who i work for yet, then it's none of her business, and i didn't want to tell her shit. i only reiterated that i was on loan. but she kept asking, so i said, "i work for so-and-so. but i'm on loan to this unit for this hiring stuff. so while i do this stuff, i'm supposed to answer to blankety-blank. but as you know, she's busy with lots of other stuff, and so she's delegated to you guys. so if you have instructions or any helpful advice, then you should probably tell me."

but it was enough for me to say that i work for "so-and-so." i certainly could have just stopped there. it definitely changed things, most notably her attitude.

now, i'm getting compliments left and right from her about what a great job i'm doing.

fuck that. thanks for your two cents, freak.

damned ass-kissing 'tards. eat my poo.

love-hate: love work, hate the fucking bar

memorial day weekend.

a much-needed respite.

things have started to pick up a lot more at work. i ended up having to work a bit of overtime on friday. there is a major project to get done (aspects of which have made the local and state news lately), and i was helping my boss coordinate and plan stuff.

she and i work well together. i've discovered that i make for a great lap dog. just tell me what to do, and i'll do it. it's as straight-forward as that. and it helps to have a great boss who keeps things professional and maintains a brusque pace. no bull-shit, no wishy-washiness.

"just do this, this, and this, abbagirl."

"yes, ma'am."

"what do you think of this, abbagirl?"

"to tell the truth, ma'am, i think this is good, but that's not good."

"good job, abbagirl."

"thank you, ma'am."

okay, the conversation didn't really go like that -- but you get the idea. ;)

she's also great at listening. i've had bosses who don't care to hear opinions or feedback from lower-level employees like myself. they (think they) know what to do and don't like being told what to do. but my boss actually listened to suggestions i had and even implemented a couple. and i was like, wow. i actually have a voice here.

as a result of our efforts friday afternoon and into the evening, i was to spend this morning going out to one of the facilities to deliver paperwork, materials, and instructions that we had spent most of last week and especially friday working on. the facility is located about 30 miles south of where i live, and so the drive wasn't too bad. i only just made it back to the office about an hour ago.

and now i've got another project to see to today. there are various parts of it that are on-going. it makes me go cross-eyed. but if i can get through today . . . then hopefully the rest of the week will be a breeze.

but is it obvious? can you tell? that i think i'm . . . starting to like my job . . . ?

:-T

it seriously is the people. they are great. as i mentioned before, i work in an executive-level office. it's all higher-management. now, if i worked in one of the lower-level offices, i wouldn't ever meet the kinds of people that i currently work with and interact with every day. as a result, if i wasn't here, i would think that those higher-ups are cloud nine types of people who fart perfumy air.

but being in the midst of these higher-ups is pretty cool. they're very real and laid-back and approachable -- and also pretty funny, with a weird, snarky but hilarious sense of humor.

and no, they don't fart perfumy air at all.

:-T

because they've been so great . . . i can actually see myself staying on here and seeing how far along in this particular career-path i can go.

i'm not stupid. i'm not blind. i could make a whole host of connections here that could lead to either a management position relatively quickly, maybe within a few years, or even higher than that. there was a time when i had more political ambitions than i do now. i went out of my way to use family connections to attend political and social events around town. i've shaken hands with a lot of the state and local big-wigs (although not the governator -- yet). the interest in all that kinda died away after a year or so. i felt kinda lost, a little emotionally disengaged, i felt like yet another poser with a phony smile. plus there seemed to be a lot of people who were in the same boat as me, trying to meet important people and establish connections (although i think i was genuinely better at it than they :-T). so i stopped completely and started not caring about that stuff so much anymore.

now, i still don't have that political interest. but i'm not blind to the fact that this job, in this office, allows me to make friends with people i wouldn't have had the opportunity to meet outside of this job, in this office. and just by doing my job, keeping my nose to the grind, and doing everything and anything they give me as well as i can, that's enough to keep these friends with me on my side.

it's strange how these things fall into your lap when you least expect it.

but am i looking for that kind of stuff?

if you couldn't tell by now, my answer is . . . "nah." ;) seriously, i'm happiest when reading and writing. i'm anti-social a lot -- but especially more so lately. i'm just hating most people lately.

but i especially hate having to put on masks. i can do it and do it well -- but the fact that it comes so easily to me is why i don't like doing it (macchiavelli totally was right in the prince. i've already conquered the challenge of having most people like me without really trying for it; now, i'm all for trying to get people to like me without having to wear a mask and who won't necessarily hate what they see when i decide to forgo one.

:-T

one of the women who originally interviewed me, then suggested me over to my current boss, stayed late and helped me get some tasks done on friday. i think she has a minor crush on me. she is in her forties, i would guess, and i just found out, after a few weeks of working here, that she is also a big lezzie, whose partner is also one of the higher-ups in my building. anyhow it's not a crush that she would act on -- but she totally loves me and it's obvious.

as we worked friday evening, she made a few interesting comments. nothing worth getting into, but what struck me was just how selfless the people in this office are, on a professional level. they really do look out for each other in the most genuine way. that's why i think it'd be great to stay on here -- you just don't get that kind of atmosphere and comeraderie in many offices these days.

and it's just so new to me. every place i've worked at has always had this edge to them. it's competitive/distrustful/suspicious. but when you think about it, the nature of those jobs required the office to be that way. when i clerked for the family law attorney, distrustfulness is required -- at least when it came to opposing parties and counsel. divorcing/separating couples can be quite mean to each other, and while you remain distanced from it, you can't help but end up feeling quite fervent about the party you represent.

when i was an auditor for the state auditor's office, distrustfulness was required there, too -- at least when it came to auditing other agencies. we kinda prided ourselves on being objective and neutral -- and the agency personnel we audited, even though we weren't auditing them per se, stil could be pretty uncooperative at times and took our presence there personally. i always ended up feeling pretty apologetic when i had to ask staff to meet with me or to provide me with docs. i knew they felt like i was trespassing on their turf, and i just didn't want to make things even more tense than they had to be. and it really wasn't -- for the most part, they were pretty nice about it. but it just went with the territory as an auditor to be regarded as an unwelcome trespasser.

and then same with my last (real) job working for an eeo office for a state agency. the head of the office expounded to us the importance of maintaining objectivity when investigating eeo claims. we weren't loyal to the employees or the organization. of course, when it came to the internal dynamics of that particular eeo office, i guess we weren't exactly loyal to each other, either. but it just goes to illuminate just how weird but good it feels to be in this particular office. everyone is just friends. like, for real

*weirded-out look in abbagirl's eyes*

what implication does this have on my bar exam ambitions? perhaps not much. but seriously, i could stay on here, have fun in a positive working environment, and see how far i can go along this particular career path. but it is kind of the making-do path. it's easy, it's here. it's something to pursue if i had no other ambition.

too bad i've got at least two other ambitions, though.

seriously, it'd be nice if all my goals, both short-term and long-term, could kinda coincide and overlap. it'd make it easier for me to pursue them all as efficiently as i could. unfortunately -- that's not the case . . . .

but if i do re-take the july bar, does that mean i should have started studying by now? :-T

it's gonna cost another $ 648. i'm still up on remembering most of the substantive law and just need to refresh my memory. i just need to start going all in on doing questions all over again. i'm good on MPTs. i hadn't really prepared for them last time -- and i did pretty decent. so i won't spend much time on them.

MBEs -- i seriously need to improve my score. i didn't do as badly as i'd anticipated -- but it still sucked.

essays. good lord. my scores stunk. but what kinda . . . weirds me out is that all my day 1 scores were the same, as were my day 3 scores. like, my scores are literally like this -- day 1: xx, xx, xx and day 2: yy, yy, yy.

it just makes me go wtf?! is it possible to have straight scores like that for each day?? it makes me feel like there was no reading involved whatsoever.

what's also killing me is that i totally thought i did better on day 1's essays than day 3's. but my xx scores are actually worse than my yy scores (xx < yy). how can that be? day 3, i got flubbed up. about an hour into the exam, i asked a proctor how much time was left -- and she told me and ended up being off by ten minutes (stupid fucker!). and i ended up short-changing the third essay of that day by ten minutes and had to scramble in a panic to finish that essay up.

so how can it be that, for that last essay, i scored higher than any of my day 1 essays, a day on which i perfectly allocated my time for each question?

no comprendo. la chica estupida (yo) no lo comprendo.

>:-|

overall, i scored a little bit higher than last july's exam -- but obviously, i still have more work to do.

i should take it again. as soon as i can. it'd be so stupid to wait and put it off yet again . . . .

i won't take off much time from work though. just that week of the exam, but since things are still rather fresh, although almost stale, in my mind, there's no reason to ask for any extra time off. i just hope i can be disciplined about it. . . . but fear of failure for the gazillionth time should be enough to keep me on my toes . . . i think.

my running may suffer, though. but i'll still try to stick to my running as much as i can. speaking of, i have a race this coming sunday.

i'm really starting to get into this running thing.

:-T

work calls. . . . isn't it time to go home yet?

on giving up

early day today. i've been up since the break of dawn. being up this early on a saturday is quite rare for a sloth like me. :-T

but already, there have been lots to do -- and i still got lots to do before the day is over. . . .

anyhow . . . i just want to say thanks to everyone for being so supportive of me. you guys are the best -- lots of hugs for you all!

also a big hug to my special friend skinbeatergreg. the boy needs a couple of hugs himself, if you guys can spare any. :)

another friend of mine told me yesterday that, in a way, i didn't try hard enough in studying for this last bar. "you kinda just gave up, remember?" she asked me.

i was miffed at first. how dare she insinuate that i didn't try hard enough?

but when i thought about it, i realized . . . she may be right.

those last few weeks before the bar, i did just kind of give up mentally. physically, i still went through the routine, trying to go through questions and stuff. but in a huge way, i still ended up giving up on myself. and my chances for passing.

of course, i also hold that damned bar review course i took accountable. after all, they gave me those really old, 30-year old practice MBE questions whose phrasings and level of difficulty were nothing like those that appeared on day 2 of the actual bar exam. i still scored higher than i thought on the MBEs -- but not high enough. but it was no thanks to that stupid, overpriced ($ 2700!!!) bar review class!!

but overall, i gave up mentally. i hate having to be reminded of that. but i think it may be true. and now that someone has actually called me out on that . . . it may be motivation enough for me to want to try again this july -- just to see what can happen if i try to refuse to give up on myself this time around. . . .

. . . :-T . . . .

shaking the blues away

life is back to normal.

i am back to normal.

my phrasing of sentences is back to normal.

all is good.

i have turned comments back on. i'm not going to be miserable about the exam -- there is too much to think about and plan for. if i start getting miserable again, i will need someone to slap me. i can't let the negativity overwhelm me. i need to seriously start thinking about where i go from here.

today's the first time since the race when i can actually walk without feeling pain in my leg muscles. and for the first time this week, i'm not too completely exhausted, either. that race was really just a fantastic time, exactly what i needed to distract myself over the weekend, and i just love hanging out with my best friend.

one thing i learned for the first time this weekend about my friend, despite having known her for seven years, is that whenever she says she is "sick," especially in the context of food or whatever, it does not have the conventional meaning of "sick" -- as in "nauseous" or "feeling faint."

rather, it means she needs to poo.

like, do a number two.

take a dump.

sit on the crapper.

it hit me on saturday that this is what she meant -- she kept saying she was "sick" and stuff. and i was concerned; i kept asking her if she needed to throw up or anything. then she would look embarassed and say "no." finally, i had a moment of clarity and realized what she meant -- and then i started giggling and asked her if she meant she had to do a number two. she got embarassed and meekly said, "yes," then started giggling, too, as if my bluntness had emancipated her from her sense of mormon decorum.

i then made sure to tease her non-stop about her terminology for the rest of the weekend.

but it is my friend's mormon, proper up-bringing coming through. the girl has a very liberal streak -- she cusses, drinks, has sex freely. and she really does prefer dating black guys -- the stereotype about size is quite true, she says with a wink. but there are some rather prim habits she just can't shake. talking about taking a dump is, apparently, one of them.

that is something i've noticed with my mormon friends, though. they seriously have the weirdest nicknames for the most basic and most necessary bodily functions.

anyway, in terms of short-term plans, there are, practically speaking, a number of options available to me:

1. take the bar exam again in july.
2. take the bar exam in another state -- but in february (the deadline for signing up to take the bar in the other states i've looked up appears to have lapsed for all of them)
3. forgo the bar exam altogether and accept admissions at the grad school.
4. stay on at this job.

i also have another option up my sleeve -- i haven't mentioned it before. but i'll delve into it, when i think it has become a viable alternative.

i haven't told my mom yet. about failing it again, i mean.

it is hard.

she has always been supportive of me -- knows that i don't like being told what to do (but nonetheless often tells me anyway). where this bar thing has been concerned, though, she has always put up an especially brave front. she's proud of me for doing law school and stuff, but of course, she would have liked for me to become an attorney by now. she has stood by me, though, when i kept putting it off and defends me against anyone who would talk shit about me because of it, including her own siblings.

i want to make her happy, though, and make her proud. so having to tell her that i failed it again . . . will be hard. i know i'll see the mask slip over her face and over her eyes, and then she will buck up and say, "who cares! you do it until you get it!"

see? my mom is super cool.

what hasn't been as super cool about her is that talking to her about grad school gets to be quite a downer. she's just not down with the idea of me going back to school. if i'm not going to be an attorney, she at least wants me to stay on at this job and keep making money. there are practical aspects to that which i do appreciate. but it is not enough for me. i'm a reader and a writer with a passion for ideas. the job i have does not satisfy my passions. like, at all.

my mom's really good, though. she knows i hate it when she starts raining on my parade about grad school -- and she knows i really like the idea of getting a ph.d -- so she'll resort to more unobtrusive, devious measures to make her disagreement with the notion known.

like, whenever i talk about the grad program i got into and the teaching assistantships that are offered, she'll ask about money.

"my entire tuition would be paid for," i tell her, "and i'd get a stipend. as a non-resident, my tuition would be $ 10,000 per semester, so a TA-ship would help!"

"would you get paid?" she'll ask.

"a stipend," i say.

"how much is the stipend?" she asks.

"$1,000 or so," i say reluctantly.

"a month?"

"um, no," i say, knowing where the conversation is going. "for the semester. it's a stipend, not a salary."

"ohhhh," she'll say in a disappointed, long sound.

i swear i've had this same exact conversation with her three times by now. and it goes and ends the same way -- starting with asking about money and ending with that same long "ohhhhh."

she's doing it on purpose! she's sneaky like that!

and she does it like that because she doesn't want to get into an argument with me and have a direct confrontation. but pshaw -- i know what she's up to!!

it's not that i don't understand her point, though. i do. even if i never become an attorney and i stayed on at this job, i've currently got a mediocre but steady $ 52k/year salary -- with a promise of a pay bump in july (5%). after i get that 5%, i will be maxed out, salary-wise, within my particular job classification. so if i wanted to keep getting higher salaries, i would have to take an exam to be able to promote to the next higher job classification, where the same waiting game to get that next 5% increase continues.

seriously, the idea of doing that is so depressing to me. . . . it is a never-ending rat-race. bureaucracies are dull, uninteresting, unchallenging, uninspiring. i could play this game the rest of my life if i wanted to, if i had to.

but i'd like to think that there are more fun, more exciting options available to me as well. i'd like to think that i'm not quite done with exploring options and seeing what i can actually do with myself just yet.

:-T

speaking of this job, i still don't know, frankly, what the hell i'm doing here. i don't know why i was hired. i think i was just snatched up before i could get away (which i am totally grateful for, of course). but i think they're still figuring out what to do with me . . . .

so i'm still kinda just plodding along. i've been trying to get the few things that have been assigned to me done -- but i haven't been assigned anything of substance quite yet. and there are a LOT of slow days. like, a LOT. i don't feel very . . . important. and to tell the truth, with my bosses in and out of the office a lot, i think they are often quite surprised when they see me around. they have an expression on their face like, "OH! you're still here, are you?"

nonetheless, at the same time, a couple of days ago, the big cheese of the office invited me to a Very Important Event to be happening today: the next Head Honcho of this agency, a recent Governator-appointee, is stopping by and will be meeting with only Very Important Persons at my particular office. other than the big cheese's secretary, there are no lower level persons, other than me, who'll be attending -- not even laotian girl.

it's cool and all to be invited to such an event. . . .

pero porque? yo quiero saber. no lo comprendo. . . .

no estoy muy importante. . . . no he trabajado en proyectos importante. no he hablado con nadie. pues -- porque me invita?

hmmm. . . .

anyhow, if grad school is what i want to do, i have to think about whether i want to be going to that one particular program, out of eight, that has accepted me. from what i can gather, the program is pretty weak at the moment, has been for at least a couple of years now. a lot of the faculty have flocked away in recent years, and it sounds like the program has just been kind of plodding along.

however, they have hired new faculty who will be starting there over the course of the next couple of years, and they hope to make the program a more competitive one, like it used to be, as soon as they can.

a grad student i have been messaging has really been selling me on the program. like, the students i met in person when i visited were really cool but kind of downers -- they had as many negative things to say as they did the positives. but this other student, while still as candid as the others i met, has been painting a wholly different picture for me. he's only one year into the program, and he did confirm that there were aspects of the program that were weak -- but he was also enthused about the possibilities for the future, especially once the new faculty come on board.

so i am seriously considering grad school at this point. this guy has been a really great source -- i may need to owe him a coffee or something. :)

as for the bar exam . . . .

if i want to re-take again in july, california is my only option. it's too late to sign up in other states for the july exam.

i've only been looking in the western states for the february 2009 exam. i have a huge fear of going into the midwest and the american south. the beehive state is as far east as i am willing to go! and of course the upper east is out of the question -- i don't like larger cities, don't like being one of many small fish lost in a large sea of people. i'm totally assuming, to be clear, that if i pass a bar somewhere, i'll at least be trying to live in that particular state for at least year or so . . . .

in any case, i'm thinking maybe the golden state is not the place to be. 35% pass rate . . . . fuck.

what a way to make a girl feel like scum of the earth.

:-P

but it's like a glaring sign to me. my fortune, at least for the next few years, is not destined to be here at all. truly, i don't think so -- and it just confirms my sentiments for the past couple of years that i've been here.

i love being around my fam. i love the fact that i'm so much at home here, in a multi-cultural city where i can go out and get really good food of any type i want.

but i have been way too comfortable and way too stagnant here. i feel kinda oppressed sometimes. family expectations weigh heaviest when you're physically closer to your family. i still go out and do my own thing to a certain extent -- but i still have not felt as free as i did when i lived away from familial expectations and that kind of riff-raff.

so i really think it's an omen -- to just go.

:-T

anyhow . . . .

well, Head Honcho is about to arrive -- guess i should get ready . . . .

journeying

my grandma
makes the best mung bean sweet rice.

it makes for
a great breakfast.

apparently,
when i'm not feeling
particularly well-balanced,
psychologically,
i like to write in
stanzaic prose.

it is the same
as i am in real life,
i suppose.

when i'm feeling
out of sorts --
and don't want
to deal with
people
and the world --

i stop talking.

i don't say more
than i have to.

and so it is here. . . .

after posting yesterday,
i cried.
it was my first time
since i found out.

i waited until my lunch hour,
then closed
the door --
and cried into toilet paper
that i stole from the women's bathroom
(for some reason,
we are not provided
with kleenex).

i cried a little more
before i went home --

and then i cried myself
to sleep --
my pillow wet and warm
'neath my cheek.

i guess
i've been waiting to cry
about it --
waiting
since friday.

and i still don't think i'm done
with tears.
i am still too full of pity
for myself.

but i'm sure it's
just a phase.

is there meaning in failure?

does it mean you keep trying
until you succeed?

or does it mean
you find another mountain
to climb?
something more easily
surmountable --
more suited to
one's abilities?

how can something
i was never sure i wanted to do
still cause me pain
and make me feel
not good enough?

where do i go from here?

--try again?
--try in another state?
--fuck it all and go to grad school?
--fuck this and grad school, and just stay at my job?
--kill myself?

i can do anything --
but i will not be content
until i am there,
until i am esquired.

nothing else matters.

i was blase about it
before.
but it was kinda
a front.

for some reason,
i like frontin'.

i knew i would be disappointed --
but i did not think i'd be
this disappointed. . . .

it is bittersweet
to read posts from
other formerly suffering
repeaters --
tips on
how they studied,
how they passed.

i can't read those.

i should.

i should read them,
see if i can learn from them.

but i can't.

nonetheless,
i have to say
to those who passed,
you guys rock.
you kicked this thing's ass.
and no bunch of people deserve it more
than you guys do.

you
are free.

:)

i just wish i could have done it, too . . . .

nonetheless,
i am glad your journey
is over.
we traversed
the nightmare
together.

it's kinda like
journeying through
the underworld of hades.

we were the undead --
seeking salvation --
seeking a way to cross
into the sweet hereafter,
out of the terrible,
hopeless
abyss
of the underworld.

we sat in the ferry together,
tensely,
apprehensively,
as we glided seamlessly
across a lifeless river,
from one shore to the other --
a long journey.

and finally the ferry
touched shore.
and the few
who had sufficiently paid their due
were allowed to disembark
(35% overall) --
and make their way
to the promised land.

the majority of us
(65%) who have not crossed over
must make our way back
to the other side
and try to cross over
again.

it's great to now see
a lot of you who i've journeyed with
on that other shore.

i'm waving
my goodbye
to you even as i watch
you recede
to the glittering horizon.
you are where you belong --
but unlike those who took the journey
but never encountered our troubles,
i know you'll remember and never forget
the price you paid
to make it there --
the promised land.

me --
i wave my goodbye
but cannot turn and
look away.

where you are
is such an amazing sight.

it is beautiful on that side.
i see a bright golden sun,
lush greenery,
everything a-glow with
richness
and contentment.

i can also see
the shadow of
sweet lady justice --
staff in one hand
to show she rules --
sword in the other
to mete swift justice --
and the shadowy wisp
of her blindfold
to prove that she
rules fairly,
equally,
objectively.

you are now
members of her
loathed/loved/feared
army.

i cannot turn away from the sight
there in the promised land --
i do not want to see what
i am returning to.
i already know --
darkness,
hopelessness,
fear,
disappointment,
shame.

there are those
who are not meant
to cross over.

there are those
who are destined
to remain
as they are.

there are those
who must remain
lost to the darkness.

will i ever be able
to find the light?

shall i seek the light
elsewhere?

or is darkness
where i truly
belong?

weekend chaos

today -- completely exhausted.

friday, my friend arrived.
good times.
gobbled up korean food --
and stunk of garlic and kim chi for a whole day after.

one bottle of soju --
five bottles of korean wine --
and a night of korean karaoke.
finally went to bed in the wee hours of the morning.

one of my best friends.
she knows me quite well.
my sista from anotha motha.

saturday --
so sick.
hungover.

she: tired. but okay.
me: nauseous. drowsy. unable to eat a bite.
alcohol: never. again.
voices: hoarse. raspy.

had lunch with my mom:
viet food.
(“your mom is so cute!” she later told me.
yes, she is -- i love my mom.)
my friend ate with gusto, enjoying the food.
i gave up trying to eat after only a few bites.

("i smelled kim chi all over you two,"
said my mom later. "pee-yu!")

then we went home
and played guitar hero
and american idol.
i kept beating her --
wasn't even trying --
but the victories made me feel better.

later in the day,
we headed out towards the bay.
bay to breaker race tomorrow.
we crashed at the house of a friend of mine.

sunday --
morning started off brusque and cold.
we were up at 5 a.m.
later, we hopped onto BART
to get to the city.

at the race,
super heroes, pirates,
FLDS ladies, the star troopers from star wars --
and of course, the naked exhibitionists,
some masked, some not.

one fat man even sported a small semi-erection,
seemingly delighting in the excited
gazes and laughs.
his prick was small and weak, though,
despite his pseudo-excited state.

lots of normal people there, too.
thousands upon thousands,
pushing forward eagerly.

we wore cool uniforms as well,
the nine of us running together.

we broke apart when we crossed the start line.
my friend had been itching to start running.
the morning was brusquely cold,
the skies blue and the sun bright,
but we got warmed up quickly, during miles 1 and 4.

the grey ocean fog greeted us at mile 5,
drenching us with moisture immediately --
salt from the sea and salt from our sweat
gave cool relief to our hot bodies.

then it was freezing cold at the finish.
didn’t feel the cold, though,
‘til our bodies had cooled down.
and we were left shivering and shaking
at golden gate park,
the blue skies from earlier replaced
by cold grey
and frosty winds.

after a while,
after just one cold beer,
(overpriced at $ 6/plastic cup),
with no visible break in the weather,
we made our way,
goose-pimpled and quivering,
back home.

my friend killed the guys.
she beat everyone,
by 15 minutes.
a former marathoner --
she loves running.
the guys were in awe.

they were also in love with her immediately.
she is very pretty --
korean --
long legs --
and athletic to boot.
a spoiled princess in many ways, too --
but they dug her anyway.

“she only dates white guys, huh?”
one asked me later.
she had told him where she had grown up
(potato state)
and that she had been adopted
(raised with white folk).
i nodded, even though it was only slightly true.
“she actually prefers black dudes,” i wanted to say.
but i didn’t want to rub salt into the wound.

this morning, i ache.
muscles tired and screaming.
my thighs feel amazing, though --
firm and lean.
i hope they never get thick and meaty
and cellulite-y.

and i am tired.
i fell asleep at 8 p.m.
and did not open my eyes until 6 a.m.
still not enough rest.

but do you care?
i wonder. . . .
traffic to this blog has tripled
since friday. . . .

ha! you are all curious.

you want to know how long it took
for me to finish the 12k, huh?

no. . . .
i think not.

well, if you must know,
i’ll tell you.

the answer is no.

comments are off. my e-mail address is down.

i don’t want words.
i don’t want anything.

i don’t want to talk about it.
i don’t want to hear about it.
i don’t want to be assured about it.

i have not cried.
i have not cursed.
i have not thought about it.

i have not wanted to do any of those things.

even more,
i do not want to confront how
disappointed i am
in myself.

i just keep letting myself down,
time and time again . . . .

to tell the truth, i have dreaded telling you all.
you, unseen strangers, who have seen me at my worst --
and yet you have seen nothing at all.

i do not want pity.
i do not want sympathy.
i, who have sunk so low,
have sunk even more.

but right now, my chin
is jutting out defiantly.
i will tell you if i must --
reveal my terrible secrets, if i must --
but i will not feel ashamed.

this is me at my lowest --

and yet i'm still standing,
quivering and tremulous --
just as i did yesterday after the race,
despite the relentless pummel of sharp, cold winds; --

still with some pride left --

seeing how much more it will take
before i'm down.

but the answer that you want
is no.

no.

no.

no.

no.








but p.s. --

'tis true i'm wallowing in self-pity --

but i still say
congratulations to all
whose answer is "yes."

i am jealous --

but also very happy for you guys.

you worked very hard.

and i'm just so very glad for you guys --

real, bona-fide
attorneys at law.

congrats.

ca bar exam results: one step closer to the precipice

peace, serenity, and good luck!

MySpace Countdowns

i'll be drinking tomorrow night -- and i'll be drinking to all you guys who are in the same boat as me.

cheers -- and may good luck smile on us.

:)