bad mood

all that time i've spent worrying, thinking about her, wondering where she is and how she is -- and then just as much time trying not to think about her, worry about her, and wonder how she is. and come to find out that, yet again, i am expending way too much effort and energy in her direction.

what the fuck, dude. what the fuck.

that first day that she went off, i called her a few times. i knew she was ignoring my calls, but i persisted and called her maybe four times during the span of twenty minutes on monday morning. as a last resort, i texted her, and she finally responded: "i need a mental break and will be back by wednesday."

fine.

i worried about her, though. i left her alone since that monday morning, but i worried about her. i know she has ultra-dark thoughts sometimes, and i knew that the drama that had arisen in her life was intense and harrowing, even for her. so i left her alone. but i had all these thoughts: was i one of the people whom she wanted to escape from? was she with him? was she actually having gleeful fun while i, and others, were worrying sick about her?

she had said she would be back today. i kind of expected and hoped that meant she would be back at work this morning. but she wasn't.

the anxiety level rose slightly more.

i called her at about 7 p.m. tonight. i had worked late. her phone went to voicemail. i didn't leave a message. i decided to head to my parents' house for the night; i have been staying there a lot these past two weeks.

twenty minutes later, when i had almost hit my parents, my phone rang. it vibrated in the unique pulse that i had assigned to her and only her. my heart jumped. i answered it immediately.

it was her. it felt good to hear her voice again.

it's crazy. it was so hard for me to go without even being able to talk to or text her these past few days. i have not actually seen her since sunday. so just now, remembering how i felt when i answered the phone and heard her voice, tears are welling up in my eyes. i had just been so damned worried.

the conversation we had at first was quiet and rather polite. i could tell from her carefully phrased words that she wasn't going to say where she'd been. but she said several times, "i haven't been able to just go and clear my mind like this in a long time. i feel so much better, and my head feels so much clearer. i had to do this, and i am glad i did."

i told her i was glad for her and that for sure, people do need to do those things. hell, i do that sort of thing every few months myself.

so things seemed good.

there came a point in the conversation when things didn't feel forced or too polite, and i just said quite honestly, "i'm so glad you're back. i was worried about you!"

i might have said something else, but nothing argumentative or what-not -- at least not from my perspective -- but she flared at me for being so concerned and just took it the wrong way.

she pretty much said that that was why she had to leave as abruptly as she did and for as long as she did. "all these people have expectations of me, and i knew coming back that i would have to deal with that. i knew i would have to deal with it from my mom, and i knew i would have to deal with it from you, and --" she was just totally going on the offensive. and i could tell that yes, my suspicions had been confirmed and that yes, i had been one of the people that she had been trying to escape from as well.

expectations. i ask you, what expectations does she fucking speak of? me? is she serious?

i have not asked a fucking thing from her. i have been nothing but be there for her. i am poor because i am now her roommate and sharing equal costs in shit. when she had fam over at the house, i got them some fucking take-out for dinner. i paid a full month's rent this month even though i have slept there only one or two nights thus far because she is having drama and her fam is over a lot, and she asked me not to be there. she and i went out clubbing last weekend, and we both got tipsy and she totally came on to me and i didn't go for it as i would've done in the past. she had her face turned up to me a few times and that look in her eye, and she was saying that she wanted to fuck me, but i did not go for it.

so what the fuck, huh? what expectations do you speak of? clearly i have none. not any good ones, anyway. i have no expectations of you whatsoever, roomie. only that you hurt me time and time again, even when i should know better.

and tonight you did it again. you have hurt me again tonight. you and your defensive anger and your accusations and how things are always about you you you.

fuck you, dude. fuck you.

i was fucking worried about you. for fuck's sake. because of you and your drama of the past couple of weeks, my whole fucking life has been turned upside-down. because of your conduct since that time you first decided you wanted to fuck me over a year ago and then proceeded to do so as well as fuck my whole life over since then, my whole life has been fucking turned upside down. and now, because you are back and acting all so la-di-dah, i am supposed to just go back and let your world be all about you and to hell with all the fucking feelings i have been dealing with since being constructively evicted from the house i have been paying rent to you for, i am just supposed to be okay.

huh. well, pardon me if i am just having trouble about that right now. pardon me if i just want to say FUCK YOU.

you know what? she is right. i do have all these expectations of her. and she is not blind. she knows exactly what's happening, why she does what she does and why i do what i do.

i care about her. so i do all these things -- be her roommate, get take-out for her family, hang around her kid, cook, wash dishes, fold her laundy -- because i care for her. i love her. i'm in love with her. every time i see dirty dishes in the sink that have been there by her, unwashed, and that are sometimes left in the sink like that overnight, and i start washing those dishes, i do it because i am anal, yes -- but also because i like taking care of her. i like doing all these little things for her and with her because i care.

and she ain't blind. she ain't no dumb ass. she fucking knows. and i know she knows because she will say something like she said last weekend when we were drunk: "i don't know why you and [her baby daddy] keep wanting to be with me. i'm so fucked up." and i have not even said anything to her. i have not said a damned word about how i feel or made any allusion to that aspect of our relationship whatsoever. i didn't say a damned thing. but she still knows.

so yes, i am really mad right now. i am really upset. my shrink says there is nothing wrong with the way i feel. that people can get over something like this in a month, a year, or maybe a few years. but there is nothing wrong with me feeling the attachment that i do for her. my roommate is just not the proper recipient for this attachment, my kind of attachment.

that conversation i just had with my roommate has absolutely destroyed me right now. it ended on a rather ambivalent note. there were moments when it could've ended on a really good note or a really bad note, but in the end, it was just ambivalence. there was a lot i wanted to say if i had the words and if i knew i wouldn't cry, but i knew i would cry and i couldn't find the words anyway, and so a lot of things that i was feeling were left unsaid. and she could tell, i am sure. we do know each other so well, after all. . . .

and i am hurt not just by the things that she said but also the implications of what she said, the things that were left unsaid but made so transparently clear.

but i am hearing in my head something that she said a couple of times tonight: "i can't be responsible for other people's feelings; i have to be responsible for my own."

honey, that's the only thing you've been responsible for this whole time. you have taken responsibility for no one but yourself this whole time. and very early on, you disavowed any responsibility for my feelings, and your conduct throughout our whole relationship has been the epitome of that. so why is this a new revelation for you? you think this is a new concept? are you kidding me? you must be kidding me.

whatever.

i then announced that i was taking a mental break myself this weekend. it's been in the works for a couple of weeks now. i will be visiting a friend and driving across a few state lines. she was happy to hear that i would be doing so. "good!" she said. but i glowered inside. i don't really want to go. i only intend to get away because of her. all my get-aways have been because of her. it really is hard to hear the person whom you are trying to get some distance from be really happy that you are going to be going away.

fuck her. fuck this drama. fuck 'em all.