the cliche of the pining romantic

i've gone and become a pathetic cliche.

i haven't been eating. i've got that gnawing sensation of hunger in my tummy. but no desire to eat. the idea of eating makes me nauseous. all i've consumed today are 1/5 cup of coffee, a taro boba drink, and a corona with 2 lime slices.

yesterday, i had 1/2 cup of coffee, a couple of shrimp chips, and a corona.

i've been treating her differently. and i'm sure she's noticed. but i don't think she gives a fuck. she keeps her cell phone grasped tightly in her hand at all hours. even when i can't see her, i can still hear her tapping at it, texting him.

she's head over heels.

fuck her.

it all just makes me reassess even my friendship with her. even as friends, things are not equal. i always put her before me. her comfort, her needs, her propensities take precedence over mine. when i thought there was still a chance that she would be mine, i saw it as just a necessary sacrifice on my part for a greater good -- her.

and now i see it's all for nothing. her ideas of friendship and what makes a good friend are totally and utterly different from mine.

case in point:

there was an emergency today with one of my dogs. i drove to the vet's office straight-away. she told me she would come, too, but that she would drop her kid off with a relative and meet me there.

thanks. that's great. i appreciate you coming along. i really do.

we were hungry. we had missed dinner, and by the end of the visit to the vet, we were starved. she said she would pick up some food that her relative had cooked; she had smelled it when she dropped her kid off, and it had smelled delicious. i smiled politely and tried to demur the food, but she insisted so i agreed.

i went home and dropped the dog off there before heading to the grocery store to pick up some food for him. when i got back from the grocery store, she wasn't there.

in fact, it took her over an hour to get back.

it should've only taken maybe 30 minutes.

when she got back, i had actually been about to cook my own grub.

she had already eaten.

she was late because the relatives had kept talking.

i politely took the dish she gave me, and i started to put away the pan i had just greased up -- as if i were gonna eat it.

but when she wasn't looking, i put the dish in the fridge.

she did notice after a few minutes, though, so before she could ask me if i was going to eat it, i told her that i had already nibbled on stuff and wasn't as hungry anymore.

i don't want to eat it.

i know it was really nice of her to bring me back the grub. and she did accompany me to the vet.

but as a friend, i would have taken a different approach with regard to the food.

i would've hauled ass fast.

i wouldn't have taken the time to enjoy the food and satisfy my own hunger first when i knew my friend was also hungry and waiting for that same food.

i would've said, "i'd love to stay and chat, and thanks so much for watching my kid, but my roomie's really hungry, and i've got to get this grub to her fast."

two very different definitions of friendship.

and yes, let's not go into the whole thing of me wanting to be more than just friends with her and having a different perspective on that, compared to her. that's a whole other issue there.

this is just a small example, but it really does represent my relationship with her on a grander scale.

she's looking out for her. and i've been looking out for more than just myself.

she was checking me out today. it was hot today. i wore a hot pink tank top and dark jeans, but when it got unbearably hot, i shucked the jeans and put on some short shorts. i wore them to spite her. and they worked. she checked me out, her eyes darting over every exposed and unexposed patch of skin.

i said nothing. but i know she knows that i was aware of her eyes.

and it just makes me shake my head. she got her brains fucked out all night last night by cock. she's totally head over heels for the guy. but she still checks me out.

she can't have it all. i'm not going to give it to her. i'm not going to ever fuck her while she's with him, if ever again. i won't do any threesomes with her. she cannot have it all. she cannot keep doing this to me.

i need my shrink. i've been dying to talk about this to someone -- anyone. i almost can't handle not being to talk.

i'm going mad.