stress attack

i swear i get at least one each month. i get to a point where i'm in such an agitated state that my heart starts beating frenetically and hard, my blood pressure goes up, and i am in a tense state -- almost to the point of tears.

the one i had yesterday was probably the worst one i'd ever experienced thus far. and the causes are not only things stemming from my relationship with dimples -- as friend and roommate and former hook-up -- but also from the office, the other people at work, family, and a whole host of other issues and side issues.

i almost can't deal.

i should not care so much. i shouldn't care about maintaining good relationships with all people. i shouldn't care about what i think i should do to make life easier for others. i'm only one person, and i'm not responsibility for the well-being, success, and happiness of other people and things.

i tried hard to remind myself of this yesterday as my nerves frayed to the last thread. but it was just hard to extricate myself once i was mired deep in the middle of things.

one of the things that caused me to suffer some internal fits yesterday was . . . i saw dimples and her lover in the same room at the same time for the first time ever, since finding out about their relationship.

it was hard.

i'd seen him around here and there earlier in the week. he never really talked to me. i would say hi and do my best to act as per my usual with him -- light-hearted, easy banter. but it was hard, and i could feel the smile on my face being forced.

it ended up being more effort than he put forth. he would just smile and walk away.

he knows i know. and i'm sure it's discomfitting to him because now the secret is no longer contained between two people but three.

i don't give a fuck.

but as hard as it was to try to engage in usual, normal interaction with him when i would randomly see him on his own, i couldn't take it when i saw the both of them in a larger group setting, an informal office surprise birthday party, joking easily between each other, cracking each other up, with everyone else so oblivious to the deeper, closer relationship they had.

i couldn't take it. i stayed as long as was polite, until the end of the birthday speeches, then left while everyone else started filling up on grub and cake.

dimples and i have stopped talking about that relationship. sometimes his name will come up in conversation when we talk about random things going on at work, and i will grimace when i hear his name or hesitate before saying his name myself. but otherwise, the topic is avoided. i know that they haven't really had a chance to go out (and fuck) in a while, due to dimples' crazy, hectic schedule. and i've been hoping that he will get sick of waiting for her and break things off in a huff. but hey, this is dimples here. i swear, she has at least five people in love or lust with her -- at least whom i know of. there is just something about her. . . .

anyhow, after i left the office birthday party rather abruptly, another co-worker friend called me at my desk on the telephone about 20 minutes later and softly asked if i was going to get grub, since everyone had already finished eating. my stomach was doing quite a number; i have been nauseous practically non-stop these past two weeks, and another friend noted concernedly that it seemed like i was losing weight. but i forced myself to cheerily say that i indeed wanted to grab a plate of something and went back down to the party.

everyone was still there but had already eaten their fill. i immediately saw dimples and her lover. they were seated near each other, looking as nonchalant as ever as they mingled with other co-workers. i had to grit my teeth and swallow down the turbulent nausea that seemed to want to lurch into my throat and force myself to get a plate to fill up with food.

this past week or so, when i have not seen him or seen the two of them together in one place, i have thought i could go back to normal and pretend nothing was amiss. but i'd still see her furtively checking her cell phone. and i can't not think about it nor forget.

nonetheless, i thought i could deal.

but seeing them yesterday . . . it's a million new stabs to the heart.

fuck 'em.

being deprived of sex with him these past few weeks, i feel as if dimples is started to check me out more and more. it's not purposeful, though. i know it's an unconscious gesture she is unaware of doing until after the fact, and she happens to bring her eyes up to mine and see that i noticed every movement of her eyes. but i never say anything.

i know she does it because it has been a while since we have been together, and when we were, it has never been bad on her part; she has always cum and cum pretty hard whenever i fucked her, if i do say so myself. and often more than once within a short span of each other.

well, she knows where to find me if she wants me.

but i won't be second fiddle. i won't be the second choice.

and that's what i feel like, whenever i see her eyes flit down me. i feel like she's only checking me out because she hasn't fucked the other guy in a while and is feeling horny.

he's the barrier, and he's in the way.

and i just keep hearing dimples' voice in my head . . . she recently said, after that one night when she and i sat down to rehash this whole situation and try to understand each other: "we will never be together, abbagirl." her voice was frustrated as she said this. and she also said that very same night, "you are such a burden to me."

i keep hearing these things in my head . . .

fine, then.

but there are other ways of defining "burden." she seriously thinks this whole thing, her fucking with me this whole past year, has not been a burden for me, too?

we will never be together.

fine. you're right.