triangles

i'm having a bit of a guilty conscience right now. the kind which you get when you know you have to do something -- it can be important or mundane, but you know you gotta do it -- and instead of getting it done, you let yourself get distracted by other things and then ultimately rationalize your failure to act or complete a duty.

this is one of those times for me.

:-T

i don't got it together. i'm not doing the things that i need to do.

and it's hard to care because the consequences are not yet here for me to deal with.

i've decided (yet again) that i'm not going to get distracted by my feelings for dimples. i keep talking myself into believing that there are glimmers of hope for me and her. but i've decided that i gotta ignore those glimmers and not misplace my faith into things that i'm not even certain about. i gotta move on and just let it go. if she has a change in heart, then she will have to just spit it out. in the mean time, i ain't gonna keep trying to read into things. it's just so draining. . . .

anyhoo. new drama unfolds.

so there's this older chick at work whom i've kinda always been attracted to. she has an amazing physique, a mild, laid-back manner, and she and i hit it off from the start. my mind and dialogue go at a much faster pace than hers; and in fact, i'll tend to accidentally interrupt her because i'll want to say things faster than she can respond to them. but i've tried to be careful of that, and the more we became friends, the better i've been able to just stop, slow down, and pause in order to give her that time to reflect before responding.

except for the difference in pace, we just have so many things in common and lots of things to always talk about. and there has been a latent chemistry. we have been alone together only a couple of times outside of work, but on those occasions, the chemistry flared up a little more than usual.

i was sure she felt the strong vibes between us and yet not really sure. after all, she had a girlfriend already. her girlfriend is preggers. with twins. i would not want to be going and interfering with that.

these past couple of weeks, though, she's been kind of reaching out to me a little bit more than usual. whereas before, we would just chit-chat only at work, with a rare text message here and there outside of work, she has lately been text messaging me a lot. outside of work. at night. beyond the hours of what would be proper between two purely friendly co-workers.

i, of course, tell dimples everything, and when the text messages started increasing in frequency, i told her it all. as soon as she heard what was going on, she was convinced. "she wants you," was her immediate conclusion.

i hemmed and hawed. i wasn't entirely sure. but as time passed, even though the text messages never said anything suggestive, dimples was able to surmise what was going on. "she's unhappy. she's having trouble with her girlfriend. you told me she was kind of a bitch, right?" i had. "yeah, so now she is lookin' to stray!"

that was dimples' conclusion on the matter.

well. turns out dimples was right after all.

i haven't exactly been propositioned or anything. but there is indeed trouble in paradise. no overtures have been made to me explicitly, but dimples is convinced that, if i were to be alone with this other co-worker i've been attracted to, the co-worker is going to try to seduce me. and dimples has been telling me that i should go for it and let myself be seduced.

"what about the pregnant girlfriend?" i keep asking.

dimples keeps waving a dismissive hand to that question. "that's not your problem," is her answer. "it's her problem. you aren't doing anything wrong. that's her girlfriend, and it's all on her if she chooses to cheat on her. but you've been telling me all this time that you're attracted to her. i personally don't find her that hot, but i know you do. so i think you should go for it."

obviously, the temptation is there -- otherwise, i wouldn't be thinking and blogging about it.

and dimples shot down another protest i had made. i'd said, "but wouldn't it be wrong of me to fuck her just like that? i'd feel wrong. i'd feel like i was taking advantage of her vulnerability. i'm not like that!"

to which dimples had vehemently asserted: "are you serious? are you sure you'd be the one taking advantage? what is she doing to you right now? who's the vulnerable one?"

and because dimples has been right on everything so far, i will just go ahead and believe that what she spouts is the truth.

i just. . . .

i have so many doubts in my mind -- most notably because it is dimples i want, and i would gladly forbear hooking up with this other co-worker forever if i could be with dimples in the way that she says she is not ready for mainly because of her dedication to her daughter, whom she is raising mostly as a single parent.

and yet she hasn't touched me in two months. she talks about us in the past tense, except as to regards our friendship. and other than those times i've caught her staring at me, she is encouraging me to see and fuck other girls just like any other friend would.

i can't keep waiting around for her. because what if there is nothing to wait for after all? what if she really is done with me? i kind of want to just ask her straight out and just be done with all this wondering. but i know i'd feel slagged and stabbed through the heart if the answer was "yes, we are utterly and completely over." for the most part, i am not ready to hear that yet.

and it just sucks that we have this kind of relationship. on, off -- up, down -- friends, lovers, then just friends again, and back to fuck buddies, and then just friends once more. what a whirlwind. but her demeanor is different now. whereas there was a lot of leeway in how she expressed herself and regarded me, now it looks like the door is shut for good. and i don't get why that is.

i just don't get it.

so it's over. i gotta believe it's over. i must not get my hopes up.

it's over.

as for the other co-worker. i'll see what unfolds. i'm curious as to whether she will try to seduce me, as dimples is so sure she will, or whether she just needs a friend to talk to about her relationship problems. if she needs a friend, i will be there for her. if she needs a friend who will console her both verbally and also physically . . . well, i don't know. like i said, i'm totally attracted to her. we both attended a party after work -- no significant others were allowed -- and we pretty much ended up having eyes only for each other. we both had a drink or two and just got wrapped up in talking with each other. even though i was buzzed, i still remember how the close proximity with her made me feel. we didn't talk about anything even remotely inappropriate or suggestive. but speaking with her, being near her, looking into her eyes -- if she wanted to throw me down right then and there and start fucking me, i would not have had any problem with it. in fact, i would have just gone ahead and been shameless about it.

dyke drama.

yeah. i know.

:-T