wiggin' out

i am super stressed out.

my heart's been racing at a frenetic yet steady pace for the past two days.

no matter how i try to remain vigilant, every now and then, i catch myself furrowing my brow -- an act which, in and of itself, worries me because i don't want to get frown lines etched into my face before i even hit thirty.

i haven't been able to sleep much lately. i've been tossing and turning. and having the past three days off didn't help; i'd end up falling asleep at 2 or 3 a.m., then have to remain in bed until late in the morning or early in the afternoon to make up for the time lost to tossing and turning.

my boss finally noticed my stress and agitation today. i had been kind of monosyllabic and quiet, and i know my eyes were kind of watery from the strain i've been feeling. he still had me to do some intense tasks, but at a little after 4 p.m., he told me to go home early. i refused, of course, and actually stayed until about 5:30. but he got the point: i'm overworked and i'm stressed out.

that's actually not the whole story, though. there are more reasons why i'm super stressed out lately. the state of the economy; the uncertainty of the future due to the governor's threat to lay off 20,000 employees with the least amount of seniority from departments funded through the general fund, which includes my department; and other things are working together to make me all frenetic inside.

seriously. is this what being an independent, mature adult is all about? if so, i don't want any of it!

:-T

and dimples sucks, too. i'm starting to think that i can't put up with certain things about her anymore. yeah, we're friends, and we know and understand each other pretty damned well. but i'm sick and tired of feeling guilty about talking certain matters over with her, matters that i'm genuinely concerned about but which i can totally see that she regards, even if she doesn't put words to those thoughts, as "elitist."

with her, things are fine if i try to act more street and more "real." like, she will tease me for being so "white," but if i downplay my whiteness with self-deprecation, then it's okay. it's only when i discuss certain matters in an earnest way, and often without even thinking, that this whole "elitist" issue comes up to the fore. and i'm left feeling self-conscious and her making the obvious attempt to not make some cutting remark about my elitist ways.

like, i'm sick of feeling so self-conscious about what i say and how i say it. like, it's not my fault that i had no life for about ten years of my life while i did my undergraduate and post-undergrad education in mormon land with my parents' encouragement. yeah, i feel bad that she got kicked out of her parents' house at the age of 18 and that she couldn't go to college. but i can't be held responsible for whatever regrets she had about her life any more than i can blame her for mine. i seriously don't have these same issues with any of my other friends. i mean, really -- the whole point of having friends at all is, as they say, to create a second family of your own choosing. whatever each other's shortcomings, fears, and regrets as well as strengths and enduring qualities, these are the people you choose to be around and whose company you cherish and don't take for granted. if i have to be so cautious about what i say, how i say them, and what i do around her, well, that's just so much work for me to do to get her approval . . . . and if we were really friends, why do i even have to work so damned hard for that approval?

so yeah . . . . i guess you could say that dimples herself is stressing me out, too.

:-T

it's about 8:30 p.m. right now. usually on the evenings i spend at home, i like to take the time to peruse through my feedreader and catch up on the latest happenings in my city, my state, my nation, the world, and in the lives of other random strangers whose blogs i like to read.

but tonight . . . .

i think i'll turn in a little early. maybe pop a sleeping pill. for one night, i'm not going to shoulder the problems of the world, the contemplation of which only add to the restlessness and anxiety that's already heavy on my mind.

i'm just going to breathe, one breath after another . . . .

and hope that tomorrow is going to be a little bit better than it was today.

:-T