dear violet --

guess what.

this friendship is over.

it finally became clear to me, when we were having lunch the other day, just how dissimilar we are. and that i don't think i want to continue this friendship of ours.

for one thing, you're needy. you seem to always be in desirous need of my attention and company. i have to admit i was flattered by this. here you are, a person in relative high esteem and in high position, wanting to be friends with me. and i also have to admit that i did kind of like you. i thought we had a lot in common. and we have shared a lot of confidences. but now, i'm thinking that, well, i just don't want to see or hear from you in a while.

a part of me is scared about one thing: the fact that i've told you quite a few things that i do not wish to be shared with others. i'm afraid that if you realize just how much i don't want to be around you anymore, at least for a while, you're going to commit the penultimate act of treason and start telling everyone what i've told you. i guess that would be the true test of friendship: if we were ever really friends, you'd keep my confidences as much as i'd keep yours. and we would let sleeping dogs lie.

you must know the reason why i don't wish to be around you or see you anymore. it's because we really are from two different worlds. or as dimples would say, you're just a fucking coconut.

i should have listened to dimples about you. she doesn't like you, you see -- never has -- because you're a coconut. you've sold out on where you've come from so that you can keep climbing the political ladder and surround yourself with white things and negate who you are. i always defended you. i just always said you were ambitious and good at what you did. i said you had great intentions and probably didn't mean to be a coconut.

but dimples never wanted to listen to any defense of you. the last straw was when i confessed to her that, once, you had told me that you couldn't associate with any lower staff, including me, during office events and that instead you had to rub shoulders with the other higher-level management just to maintain your profile. when you said that to me, you had an apologetic smile on your face, so i never questioned it. i have been thinking about that comment lately, though, and it troubled me, and so when i relayed it to dimples, she grew livid on my behalf and began laughing sarcastically. it was then that i really came to see the importance for you of maintaining a certain image at the office.

i didn't really want to have lunch with you after that realization. but you don't really know when to take "no" for an answer. so finally, we ended up settling on a date for lunch.

there, our differences came to a head.

i wish i did not end up telling you so much about what's going on with me at work. but i was and am still frustrated by being treated -- at least in my eyes -- like a pack horse. a jack ass. i'm being inundated with work without reprieve, and i'm just overwhelmed. forgive me, but just even thinking about work makes me emotional and want to vent.

our first difference arose over the issue of the lay-offs facing 20,000 california st@te employees. lay-off notices got sent out, starting this past tuesday, to those eligible st@te employees, who have the least amount of seniority at certain agencies. you got your notice. but, you said to me with satisfaction, you had spoken with one of the big cheeses at the office who told you "don't worry" about getting fired and that he didn't think it would happen to you and that your job was safe. "i'll take care of it personally," he pretty much told her. as you told this to me, your face was lit up with a confident, relieved smile.

this made me feel cold. my own boss had told me the same thing, essentially, as well; that i was a good worker and that i didn't have to "worry," because higher-ups would make sure to take care of me. and i didn't like hearing it. i ended up telling him, straight up, that i didn't like the idea of having that cushion when other people did not. he merely shrugged it off and said that's the way it was.

so when you told me this, the unfairness of it all just consumed me. you get to sit there in your precious private office, full of nice cherrywood furniture, and essentially be assured that your job is secure, despite the fact that, if the rules were applied indiscrimiately, you'd be among the first to go. and not only that, but take pride and glee in the fact of your safety -- it was at that moment that i could see your true colors once and for all. and i did not like what i saw.

i'm not trying to play the hero. all i know is that the economy is going for shit and that my friends who have received the lay-off notices are those who can afford the least to be unemployed. and they haven't done anything to deserve it! they work much harder than they need to just to get their jobs done, and they are the most under-appreciated people in the building. without their efforts, their higher-profile managers wouldn't be able to have the free time to fuck around as much as they do. the only thing that my friends don't have is a BFF among the upper-level management folks do, someone who can protect them and pull strings on their behalf to make sure they don't get let go.

now, i have the rare luck and privilege of having at least a few BFFs among upper-level management. but do i feel lucky? no, i fucking don't. if anything, the unfairness of the nepotistic and fucked up way things are run are just glaringly obvious. and i don't want any part of it at all. the fact that you are totally fine with that, though, violet, well, i guess i shouldn't be surprised. but hey, you're the one who has to live with yourself, but i hope you'll forgive me if i choose not to surround myself with your company.

the other point of disagreement we had was about my gripes about my workload. as i told you, everyone seems to be shitting on me, giving me a crapload of work to do. and as i mentioned to you, while it is flattering that they are confident in my work abilities and like my work products, i am overwhelmed. i feel like i'm being overused and that the work isn't being shared equally. and i am not liking my boss at the moment -- in fact, i'm hating him -- because each day, his selfishness is becoming more and more apparent. in his efforts to relieve himself of all the work-related stress he's been experiencing, especially lately, he is only compounding the level of stress i'm experiencing, by dishing off the shit work he doesn't want to deal with to me. which would be fine if i were in a job position that required me to take on those additional responsibilities, but i'm not. and in fact, it's illegal for them to assign work to me that is not specified in my job description unless i've specifically asked to be given t & d (training & development) for the purposes of promotion.

what you essentially told me was that i should suck it up. you said you've been put through the burner like this and made to stay long hours and given heavy job duties. but it ended up paying off for you because, well, look where you are now.

well, congratulations to you then, violet. but forgive me if i don't buy that position. i'm glad that, from where you stand, being treated like shit while still being paid less than half of what you make sounds like a great deal. but for me, this is not where i get my kicks. i want to be able to work because i have a passion for it. i want to be able to look forward going to work because i love being around the people. i want to have a boss that protects me from being taken advantage of from other people, especially knowing that i don't have the ability to say no when i have to. like, granted, at first, my line of thinking was just like yours: this was an opportunity to shine and i could use this time of being given a lot of hard work to capitalize on later when the next wave of promotions become available.

but after going through months of this shit, i can't do it anymore. i'm not enjoying being at work anymore. i don't like that my boss is even more selfish and not very vigilant about my own well-being as i'd thought. and i just feel so disillusioned.

so fuck you, violet. i'm not going to just suck it up. i don't like my boss, i don't like the work, and i don't fucking like you.

fucking coconut.

go flaunt your boobs at the next powerful white guy who comes along just so that you can get your next leg up. go ahead and make sure to continue to rub shoulders with all the important people so that you never have to feel the pangs of uncertainty about the future or how you're going to make ends meet next month. you do what you've got to do to survive, and i hope you continue to be conscience- and guilt-free about all those job benefits you have that the other low peons will never be able to get in their life-time, just because they're not as ruthless or calculating as you.

i forgave you so many times. i overlooked your ridiculous ways. even all those times when the thought flitted across my mind that you were just trying way too damned hard to be white, i always gave you the benefit of the doubt.

but now i see your true colors. i see your brown skin and that whiteness in you just bursting to get out. dimples was right about you -- she saw right through you from the start. she has that uncanny ability to see straight to heart of people. she's been right enough times so far -- i may as well just listen to her from now on, when it comes to finding people to like and trust.

even though i jokingly call myself a banana, i know there's no way i'm anything like you. i don't deny who i am or where i come from, and i don't try so hard to engage in "white" cultural practices and to negate those that i was brought up with. i hope i never do become like you.

best of wishes in all your endeavors. but please leave me the fuck alone from now on --

-- abbagirl