the time is drawing nigh . . .

pressure.  i am feeling pressure from everyone.

 

i "should" do this – i "should" do that.

 

it's a tug of war.  each "should" i hear imposes a seductive pull.  as if smelling an attractive whiff of a parfumed scent, my head turns in the direction that the person wants my attention directed to.  and just as my eyes are about to glaze over and be completely drawn in, another "should" catches my intention instead and begins to pull me in another direction.

 

i am easy.  i am a ho'.  i am easily prompted and cajoled. 

 

i'm a sucker.

 

dimples doesn't like this part of me.  in her eyes, i knew i had a decision to make, and i procrastinated.  in her opinion, i should have made a decision by now, and all this waffling is just not cool.

 

yes, she is still in my life.  i wouldn't have it any other way.  she's my friend.  and she is also more than my friend.  we just have a unique understanding with each other that transcends words.

 

and yes, i might be in love with her, too.

 

hmmph.  my posts always end up, somehow, being all about her.  why is that?  this post was not intended to be about her.  it was intended to be all about this decision i have to make – this momentous, monumental, mega-life-changing decision.

 

and i made one.

 

i put in my two-week notice on monday.

 

and then i also unmade the decision slightly – by agreeing to think things through during the remaining time i have left here.  if i change my mind, everyone in management says, then i can do so, even at the last minute.  they are all happy about this opportunity i have.  but they also would like it if i chose to stay on. 

 

so many things have happened since i turned in my notice.  a lot of people are happy for me.  they want to talk, take me out to lunch, congratulate me, hug me, wish me well.  it makes me feel loved, and i feel the love for them in return.  i also learned more about what would happen if i stayed.  a lot of great, unique opportunities would open up for me here if i stayed. 

 

i told dimples today about a conversation i had with one of the big wigs just this morning about those opportunities.  she scoffed at me in disbelief and went off on me.  "you're just trying to find reasons to stay," she said.  "all these people say nice things to you, and you lose sight of everything.  if you want to stay, then stay.  if you want to go, then go.  but don't be swayed by all the sweet-nothings these people feed you.  of course, they want you to stay.  state workers are mediocre, and you are not mediocre.  so when they see you, of course, they're going to want you to stick around.  hell, you could take over the joint if you want.  i know you can do that!  but you need to make a decision and stick with it!  don't do what they want you to do – just do what you want to do!"

 

she was mad.  i always tend to make her mad.

 

and i think she's still mad at me.

 

:-T

speaking of, dimples and i came to an understanding yesterday.  and it re-connected us and put us on the same page once more.

 

i understand completely how she feels about me.

 

she and i are going to try to get away for the weekend.  i hope it works out; i've been looking forward to it since we started talking about it.  we just want to get out of town and be together at least once more before time and/or distance make it impossible.

 

in the meantime, i thought my boss would be supportive about the decision.  and he is.  but he also wants me to think about things.  and he was sad yesterday, and today he is crusty.  i feel bad; i'm the one who's been wishy-washy. . . .  but fuck, i can't help it.

 

i asked for friday off.  i just need to get away.  away from family, friends, work, and other influences.  if granted, i will use friday to be on my own away from all the noise.

 

these are the last days.

 

:-T