c.w. was right

have i been blind?

 

i have been so sure.  so smug.  just yesterday, i wrote here that dimples and i see eye-to-eye.

 

i've come to find today that i could not have been more wrong.  we haven't been seeing eye-to-eye at all.  i've been delusional.  i've only been seeing what i want to see.

 

c.w., you've proven to be right once more.

 

:-T

 

after i put up the post from yesterday, dimples and i conversed once more.  actually, "conversed" is not the right word; rather, she yelled at me.  she was mad at me.

 

it stunned me.  the vehemence behind her words and perhaps some truth to her words hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

but i accepted her words and mulled over them.  and then it hit me just how much i feel for her.

 

today, i brought her some iced coffee as a kind of peace offering.  she was cold and short with me.  it hurt me even more to see her like that than it had when she was yelling at me yesterday.

 

so it brought on a long note from me.  i spent about an hour writing the note to her.  i told her how i felt about everything, from the yelling she gave me yesterday to other things, like how i feel about her.

 

she responded after a long while.  and in it, she said some things that brought to light the truth of what c.w. has said to me before.

 

that dimples hadn't meant anything she had said or done with me.  i was just . . . there.  she had her fun, and the fun lost its luster.  and it just never meant anything to her.

 

something is just so damned wrong with me.  i feel like i'm falling in love haphazardly, like a horny dog that just goes around humping anything.

 

i am just so damned humiliated, embarrassed, and crushed right now.  i hate it when i lay myself on the line like this, only to be stomped on even more disdainfully.  my rationale when i lay myself out there is that the vulnerability is a sacrifice, a necessary one, for the sake of something greater and better than myself.  but in the end, i'm just left holding my wounds close to myself, hoping no one will ever find out, and hoping that she will forget my inane foolishness.

 

FUCK.  yes – i do feel like such a fool. . . .

 

she said, straight out, she doesn't feel the same way.  and that she thinks we shouldn't talk anymore.  i'm just having a hard time reconciling that with the things she has said and done in the past, the way she has looked at me.  but maybe that's just me trying to make sense out of something that is not ever going to make sense to me. . . .

 

my belief is that actions should match words.  if i truly care for someone, i will act upon it.  if i don't care for someone, i will run in the opposite direction and hide.  it is always staggering to me when i find out that someone i care for doesn't follow the same practice.

 

it sucks. . . .  you know, a lot of the significant conversations that dimples and i have had about our non-relationship relationship have mostly occurred over e-mail.  yes, we've had some conversations in person, but mostly it's just all correspondence.  so a part of me wants to challenge her to tell me everything in person, so i can see her and have her tell me face-to-face.

 

like, hell – even her e-mail is contradictory. . . .  one of the first sentences she wrote to me in her response was, "we need to talk."  but the second-to-last sentence is, "i don't think we should talk anymore."

 

wtf? 

 

again, another instance of contradiction.

 

but maybe i should take this for what it is.  closure.  of the most abrupt kind, of course, but closure nonetheless.  she really cannot be any clearer. . . .

 

hmmph.  one of the things she accused me of yesterday was over-analysis.  "you are so stuck inside your head," she said.  "'woe is me!'  you over-analyze things to death, but you know, you have it good.  while the rest of us worry about how to pay their bills and make their rent, there you are worrying about 1.) whether to go to grad school to get your damned doctorate or 2.) whether to stay at a job where you make bank!  yeah, i really feel bad for you!  nymph was right – you are spoiled –", etc.

 

etc., etc., etc.

 

i still feel kind of shell-shocked right now.  shell-shocked from the yelling yesterday, and then also by the events of today.

 

does anyone else want to kick me down and mash my face into the dirt? 

 

take a number.