mountains and molehills

every time we have talked, nothing was resolved.  we always were interrupted.  either someone was calling her, or she had to go work at her second job, or she had some other family engagement.

 

when we did talk, we talked about the frustrations of trying to make a relationship like ours, in which i could put her first and in which she could only put me fourth, work. 

 

i thought i could handle it.  but maybe i can't.

 

and dimples didn't bargain on feeling so guilty about how little time she could give me.

 

we aired our frustrations the few times we have talked these past couple of weeks.  but when talk turned to what we wanted to do, from here on out, whether we wanted to keep on seeing each other without expectations or whether we wanted it to end, we never got very far before the conversation had to end.

 

we did it make it known that, no matter what, we wanted to remain friends no matter what.

 

to this day, this very morning, nothing has been resolved

 

she wasn't at work yesterday.

 

i was supposed to see her sunday afternoon really briefly – and it was to be the first time in two weeks when we could actually see each other and talk.  but she cancelled.  the work at her second job was just too heinous and she didn't have time.  she cancelled on me fifteen minutes before we were supposed to meet, after i had just left my house and was about to enter on the freeway, to go see her. 

 

i am putting way much more effort into this than she is.  she doesn't put in as much effort, but she guilt-trips way more than i do about stuff.

 

i don't think it is working.

 

she is back at the office today  everything is friendly and normal.

 

but that's only on the surface.  underneath, i don't think things are very normal at all.

 

so maybe it should end.  maybe i should be the one to do it.  maybe that's just what she's waiting for.

 

she's just so weird this morning.  there is still so much more to be said that we haven't said between us.  and i just don't really know what she wants.  what does she want from me?

 

it's just hard.  i care a lot about her now.  i wanted to see how far this could go.  i value her thoughts, opinions, beliefs.  she's a fantastic mother to her daughter.  she's super smart and calls me on my bullshit.  she's really pretty.  her skin is so smooth and soft.  she has nervous, busy, but sure hands.

 

i've determined that the reason why i haven't been able to cum when with her is not so much because of whatever issues i have so much as the fact that she wasn't exactly hitting the right spots when she went down on me.

 

that's just like me, isn't it?  i get so obsessed with my own short-comings that i believe everything is my fault.  :-T  but i was interested in working with her and helping her to find the right spot.  we just haven't been able to get together in a couple weeks now, though.  and maybe . . . just maybe we're not going to get that chance again at all.

 

:-T

 

but i dunno.

 

all i know is that i've sent her a couple of e-mails this morning and she hasn't written back.  all i know is that, even though she's come over to my desk to chit-chat about work and stuff with a friendly face, things just aren't the same.

 

i think she is tired and worn, not only from trying to hold down two jobs and also be a parent but also from the emotions and guilt-tripping she does over her inability to spend time with me.

 

"it's not fair to you," she told me over the phone what seems like eons ago but was probably only a week, "i don't like worrying about being unfair to you."

 

i want to tell her, "you want to be fair to me?  then at least try half as much as i do for you.  show me that you at least want to be engaged with me."

 

but if she's not trying that hard (at least that's what it seems like to me), well, then maybe that tells me exactly what i need to do.

 

:-|

 

:-(