a little explosion: pt. 4: the anti-climatical climax

what a fucked up day today was.

work was stressful.

i worked on some stuff over the weekend. not as much as i wanted to, but at least i got some stuff done. i mainly am working as an editor, in addition to my usual work duties, and so i took home some editing stuff to work on while on vacation in tahoe.

the writing that i've received thus far from the people who are supposed to be writing the bulk of the huge ass, all-important report is just absolute shit. i can't believe that there are people who get paid more than i do to produce that kind of worthless crap. so i've got my work cut out for me -- i not only have to look at grammar, word choice, transition phrases, and the like as i read through each section, but i also have to do a lot of content-based assessment.

which is totally cool and all. but i just don't have the same kind of in-depth knowledge about the ins and outs of everything that more experienced staff who have been there longer would (should) have. so asking me to verify whether the content contains accurate data is like asking me to write an analysis of the state of our economy today -- i.e., it's totally impossible for me to do without me wanting to hit myself in the head with a hammer out of pure, excruciating boredom, but nonetheless, i can still somehow get the job done and find all the necessary shit to pull out of my ass .

:-T

so that's been a source of stress for me lately -- and more so with each passing day.

and it's gotten to the point where it's starting to affect my relationship with dimples.

*sigh*

:(

okay. maybe i shouldn't blame my relationship woes on work.

maybe i should point the finger back at myself.

:-T

if it's not apparent by now, the song i happen to choose to put in the sidebar of my blog is one that i feel is an accurate depiction of my mood and state of mind at a given point in time.

and so tegan and sara's song "you wouldn't like me" is my song of the moment this evening.

there's just something seriously wrong with me, i think.

i don't know how i feel about dimples, exactly.

i care for her, yes.

and for a while there, i was content to be merely friends with benefits with her.

to this day, i'm still not sure that she is someone i would end up being with on a long-term basis. i don't think i'm in love with her per se. but i do know i care a lot about her.

there are just so many uncontrollable intangibles that get in the way, though. and we have never promised anything to each other anyway. except for that one time she accidentally called me her girlfriend, we've never said anything else to each other that could potentially be construed as a statement of intent or desire for something permanent.

so why . . .

. . . oh why . . .

. . . did it scare me today . . .

. . . when she began engaging in the kind of talk . . . .

. . . that led me to believe . . .

. . . that she wants to call it quits . . . ?

why did it get me kind of upset?

i just don't understand myself. isn't this supposed to be a good thing? that means i can go back to thinking about and looking out solely for my own interests -- not hers, not anyone else's. like, i was actually finding myself factoring dimples into the question of whether i ought to go to grad school; i think i might have ultimately ended up staying here in sac-town just to continue to be here with her. but now, hey -- i don't have to think on those terms at all. i can go just because, well, i want to.

but i can't help it. there is still something nagging at me. . . .

maybe it's just a pride thing. maybe it's because i can't imagine anyone wanting to break up with harmless but clever little me. maybe i can't stand that she is the one who is causing the break up, not me.

or maybe it's because i was actually starting to really care a lot about her. . . .

:-T

i don't know.

the thing is, though . . . .

she hasn't quite broken up with me yet.

today was just a really funky day. something that shouldn't have been an issue between us became a full-fledged bona fide issue despite our best attempts at containment. and i have to admit i was the one who was acting like a real booger. she didn't do anything wrong -- at least nothing more or less than i would have wanted or expected.

for obvious reasons, though, we couldn't talk about the issue at work. and our e-mails back and forth actually made things worse. i was very honest and concise in my e-mails to her, and her e-mails to me were erratically worded and had a lot of incorrect grammar so i didn't really understand what she was saying. and so a lot of our well-intended meanings got lost, and certain notions were conveyed in words that were otherwise not intended. we both understood this, though, and tampering down our emotions, we agreed to have a talk later on in the evening.

well, we had our talk in the evening over the phone. we didn't get to finish because we got interrupted on her end. but the direction that our conversation went leads me to believe that she thinks it's best to call it quits.

a part of me believes that she feels she has no choice in the matter, that she is ending it for as much my sake as her own. i am hoping she calls me tonight, although it's already pretty late so i'm pretty sure she won't, so we can finish the conversation. or at least maybe be willing to talk things out tomorrow so that, if it does end, we can at least still try to be friends and end it on a good note.

maybe it's the stress from work talking, maybe i'm being melodramatic . . . .

but . . . today has shown me that i am not ready, now of all times, to be dumped by dimples.

nonetheless, i suppose . . . from reading through my past entries about her, etc., that . . . .

this was probably due to happen.

and to put it simply, it is also likely justly deserved.

:-T