thinking too much again

seeing a co-worker is hard.

but i know it can be even harder on both me and dimples because we're gay.

and no one knows that but us.

there are quite a few older employees at our office who are gay as well and are open about it.

but they're management folks.  so pretty much, no one can mess around with them anyway.

by the same token, a lot of smack gets talked about them behind their backs, some of it related to however poor their management skills are -- but a lot of it also related to the fact that they're gay.

dimples and i work in the same office area but just under different supes.  and we both feel that our (male) bosses would not be as cool with us if they knew.  and of course, it'd be even worse if they knew that we were seeing each other.

:-T

some of our other co-workers would be cool, we think, if they knew we were gay – at least the ones that we're now pretty good friends with.  but we haven't tested the waters yet.  and i think dimples and i both feel that it'd be weird if they knew anyway. 

so we are, for now, keeping things on the down low.

it's definitely a challenge, though.  like, at the office, there is a group of us who form a close, tight-knit group.  we have all gotten to be pretty good friends.  but i have to try my damnedest to not let my eyes linger too long on dimples and to not do anything that would betray the fact that she and i have become more than just friends.

and yet i have to admit it's kind of fun to be all sneaky like this, too.  dimples and i have already begun talking about stealing away on our breaks just so that we can have some privacy and be able to make out.  unfortch, it's been hard finding those kinds of opportunities, though . . .

 

:-T

anyway, dimples and i had arranged to go out on a date this past friday.  i'd been looking forward to it; during the week, we only see each other at work and have to act professionally, and then right after work, she has to go pick up her daughter from day care, go home, make dinner, etc.  if we do hang out, it's usually only on the weekends. 

 

dimples is so really cool.  she's very laid-back with me.  she doesn't want to do anything that would scare me off.  and yet there are times when she's quite bossy, too.  she calls me on my shit or tackles my insecurities head on, and that always ends up getting me flustered, embarrassed, self-conscious.  but it is in a good way, for sure.  and then she is also starting to rough it up in bed – which, of course, i totally and thoroughly enjoy.

 

:)

anyway, on friday night, it was just a real interesting evening.  for the first time, dimples called me her girlfriend.  i kind of liked the sound of it coming. 

 

it happened when we were walking hand-in-hand from my car, after i found some street parking, to a gay club.  i had picked her up from her second job at around 9 p.m., and we'd had a few drinks at a local bar before deciding to go dancing.  we weren't wearing matching attire at all.  i had kinda dressed up, but she was still wearing her low-key dress clothes for the day; she hadn't had time to go home and change in-between her jobs.

 

so she joked about it when we were on our way to the club.  "i guess i'll be the butch one tonight," she said.  "and if anyone messes with my girlfriend tonight," she did some faux menacing gang posturing, "they better watch out!"

 

i think we both realized at the same time that she used the "g" word, and i felt her growing self-conscious.  so i made a quick flippant comment to keep the light-hearted tone alive.

 

i don't mind her using the word at all.  i don't care what she calls me, actually.  "a rose by any other name smells just as sweet."  all that matters is that we both continue to have a good time with each other and enjoy each other's company.  and so far, so good – i enjoy being with her.

 

the reason why i have not completely and totally committed to her is . . . well, there's another girl i like right now.  with her, nothing has happened, of course.  but i like her, too.  and i'd like to explore the relationship i have with her.  so far, we are just friends.  and who knows, maybe that's all we will ever be.  but at the moment, whereas i'm interested in both girls, they both make me feel different things.

 

with dimples, i feel very comfortable.  i really like her, i like how things are going with her.  she makes me feel so . . . appreciated.  accepted.  understood.  perhaps even loved.  i feel she understands me – and that's why she's keen on giving me so much space until i can totally and freely commit to her.  i really enjoy myself when i'm with her.  she is not college-educated, but we keep up with each other's conversation really well.  she keeps up with current events and reads a lot.  she's also starting to rough me up in bed and whisper dirty things to me – which only makes me happy because i love talking dirty but wasn't sure if she was into that.  :-T 

 

and for her part, i think she's in love with me.  she has not said as much in so many words – but she does not need to.  i can see it in her face, in her eyes. 

 

with the other girl, there is another kind of connection.  one that makes me feel excited.  i can feel my face heating up with warmth whenever i think of her.  with dimples, i kind of feel like i know where i stand; with this other girl, i don't have that same feeling of certainty.  i don't even know if anything will come of it; maybe i'm just infatuated with her.  but . . . at the risk of sounding like a major two-timer, i'd like to see if anything happens with her, too.

 

i know.  sheer craziness.

 

:-T

 

i know it sounds like everything in my life is under control and that everything is going well.  and for the most part, they are.

 

but there is just one little thing.  and i am going to confess it here, and the only reason why i am is only because this blog is anonymous.  but under normal circumstances, i would not admit this!

 

see, the thing is . . . there's just something wrong with me.  with dimples . . . i have not been able to come.

 

um, have an orgasm, i mean.

 

it's a mental thing, i think.  she tries pretty hard to try to help me to come.  and she has a really delightful tongue.  in fact, i love her tongue; it is small, narrow, rather pointed – and boy, does she know how to use it!

 

;)

 

nonetheless, i'm just having a hard time.  i just can't come.

 

and while it's frustrating on my part, i actually feel bad for dimples' sake – more so for her than for me.  she's frustrated and starting to take it a little personally.  i know a part of the difficulty is due to the fact that i'm just thinking too much.  it is not dimples' fault at all – it's me.  my mind's always on the run, thinking about things.  i do try to help her out and give her verbal feedback and put her head and hands just where i want them to be.  but . . . nonetheless, the most i ever feel is just pleasurable sensations – nothing enough to just get me off.

 

:-T

 

i confided in a really good friend of mine the other night, this gay guy who used to work at this office and with whom i totally hit it off before he ended up transferring to another office.  he thinks it's totally mental, too.  he figures it's because i am still hung up on her and that, as a result, i am too afraid to surrender myself completely. 

 

"what is an orgasm but a complete surrendering of yourself," he said philosophically.  "a complete surrendering of control.  for some reason, you're not letting yourself give up that control.  you're not ready to surrender yourself."

 

and i think he's right.  i was so in love with her, the one who got away, and i wanted to give over myself over to her so completely in every possible way.  and what ended up happening is that i got burned; she didn't want me at all.  to this day, i still don't know why. . . .  but i'm scared of letting that happen again, of losing control over my emotions. . . .

 

for the record, i don't think about her as much anymore.  before, i was totally obsessed.  and just the thought of her was enough to make me start bawling silent tears and ruin an entire day.

 

:-T

 

i do still think about her, probably more than i should, but the frequency of those thoughts have lessened as have the intensity of the emotions.  like, right now, thinking about her, i am sad again.  but i am not as upset or emotional.

 

i wonder about her.  i think i always will.  i will always wonder what she's up to, how she's doing, if she's managing to stay out of trouble.  i still care about her a lot, even though i know, rationally, i shouldn't.  she shouldn't even cross my mind anymore . . . .

 

but i can't help it; i can't help continuing to think think about her.  but . . . at least i'm not mad at her anymore.  just sad, whenever i happen to dwell on it, like now.  but no, not mad.  whatever it was that happened that caused her to just dismiss me so casually from her life,  i'm sure she had her reasons.

 

if i could, though, i'd tell her i was sorry . . . .  yes, even though it was me who ended up getting hurt, not her. 

 

:-T

 

but if it was me who ended up doing things that pushed her away, i am really sorry about it.  i think, in the end, i cared way too much for her.  and she didn't want that.  i think the intensity of my emotions just ended up scaring her off.

 

but i don't know.  and that's the thing -- who knows. 

 

:-T

 

but i think . . . i'm afraid of feeling that same intensity for someone again.  i think i'm afraid that if i ever do feel that same passionate love for anyone, she'll end up being scared off.  i think i'm afraid of completely surrendering myself.  i think i'm afraid that i'll end up at that point again where i have to struggle to get myself together and mend the pieces all over again.  because it is hard; it has been so damned hard to get myself back again.

 

i know that not everyone is the same.  she and dimples are similar in a few ways but also quite different.  they are both assertive, and they speak their minds.  they have a way of making me want to be totally and completely dominated by them.  but dimples has already given more of herself to me than she did.  she trusts me and cares about me.  she's let me into her life and has made room for me in ways that i find touching.  it just shows how much she has already begun to care.  and she always wants to know what i'm thinking; if she sees a look come over my face, she wants to know what i'm thinking – and like a child, i obediently tell her (i am really transparent like that; i can't really hide anything from anyone on just a moment's notice. :-P).  thus far, we just really have a good repoire – just like i (feel i) did with her.

 

dimples knows about her, though.  not the entire circumstances, of course – i don't think i will ever tell the specific details to anyone!

 

O_O

 

but she knows that there was someone i cared a lot about.  we talked about it one night just briefly after we had just started seeing each other.  we were having drinks (for some reason, my favorite concoction these days is vodka and pineapple) and just chit-chatting.  "she was the love of your life, huh?" she asked me. 

 

it felt really weird having someone utter aloud that very thought that has plagued my mind for most of this past year.  yes, i have felt that way about her this whole time.  but in response to dimples' query, i merely shrugged; i didn't know what to say. 

 

however, dimples saw something in my face.  "she really broke your heart," she said, as more of a statement than a question.  i only looked at her, neither denying or agreeing.

 

but the thing is, i did not feel sad or regretful about dimples honing in on that.  i felt that, in a way, by acknowledging it, dimples has, in a way, conquered it and turned it into a non-issue.  in that way, she's now taken a hand to help me to create the next chapter of my life for however long it will be.  so that night, it made me feel rather optimistic.

 

such drama.  but i know it only exists in my head.  i try my best to live in the moment and experience things just for experience's sake.

 

and yet i just can't help myself.  i can't help overly cogitating.

 

:-T