letting things be

for the past couple of weeks, i have been merely going through the motions at work as if in a haze.  i have enough presence of mind to remain vigilant about all my assignments, due dates, etc.  but more and more, i find my gaze being drawn, like a magnet, in the direction of dimples.  the cube walls are not very high, so i just need to turn my head slightly to the left, peer around my potted african violet, to easily be able to see the back of her head.

 

as i mentioned in my last post . . . .

 

i really like her.

 

and i find even more reasons to like her with each passing day.

 

she's a single mom.  and there's just something about single moms.  :) 

 

due to necessity of circumstance and perhaps also innately, they just tend to have a greater clarity of mind, a greater sense of efficiency, and a greater capacity to care.  i love and respect the fact that she's raising her daughter on her own without any support from the baby daddy.  i love how she talks about her daughter, sometimes jokingly derisive, but i love the tenderness and love with which she cares for her daughter, too.

 

you just have to love the single moms.  :)

 

there are moments when she's looked at me, perhaps during the course of the work-day when no one's looking or during intimate moments when the both of us are locked in each other's arms, and there is just significant meaning writ large in her eyes and on her face.  i feel like i kind of know what the look means, and i can only look back at her with marvel on my face, although i try not to be so obvious about it when at work.  i've never had anyone look at me like that before.  it is a look that calms me and steadies me.  i'm not afraid of where i go with her or what happens.

 

we've had some interesting talks already.  sometimes during those talks, i feel like i am present but as two separate entities: one entity is there, in the moment, understanding her words and feeling like i'm of the same mind.  but a tiny part of myself remains separate and unmoved.  that tiny part of me knows that, if someone's heart is going to break, it will not be mine but hers.  this very notion is making me sad right now, as a i write this.

 

the things we have talked about include my potential move out of state to attend grad school.  she thinks i should go ahead and go, but i can tell she would be troubled by the idea.  we have also talked about children.  i get the sense that she would like more kids – and that she would have no problem if i wanted to have kids, too.  it feels strange to admit that we have had that conversation already, about having more kids – but at the same time, it felt rather natural, too. 

 

she's always asking me, trying to be sure, "this isn't weird, is it?"  i find it sweet that she cares.  for instance, we have a date tomorrow, but it is usually hard for her to find a sitter on friday nights.  so she asked me, "do you mind if my daughter comes?  i don't mean to weird you out. . . ."  and she always looks so concerned about it.  i know she doesn't want to scare me off so soon, by exposing me so much to her daughter. 

 

but of course, it's no problem for me at all.  i already enjoy spending time with both her and her kid.  in fact, the kid fascinates me. 

 

it's just a given with single moms; they are part of a package deal.  in fact, i'd have a problem with it if she wasn't so concerned about her kid and if she made it more of a priority to be with me than with her daughter.  no, in my opinion, it should not be she or her daughter who must try to rearrange themselves for my sake; it should be the other way around, for sure.

 

nonetheless, i still find her concern about "weirding me out" very touching.

 

there is also something else that i found touching recently -- but also rather funny.  we were in the midst of . . . doing some things.  ;)  and her fingernails were, at some points, starting to chafe me.  at such moments, i would pant to her, "that hurts!" and then try to rearrange her fingers to be a lot less harsh.

 

the next time i saw her, we were having lunch with another co-worker.  i happened to be looking at her hands and saw that gone were the long, well-manicured fingernails with the dark pink paint.  instead, her nails were neatly cut short and covered with clear gloss.

 

i later remarked to her about them in a teasing way.  "i did it for you," she said, teasing me right back.  "you better be grateful!"  later in the day, i could hear the distinct sound of her trimming her nails even more.

 

:)

 

but . . . things are still rather early.  and we are both careful, i think, to not push things or set any high expectations for each other.  she's afraid of scaring me off, and i'm just afraid that . . .

 

well, i don't know what i'm afraid of, per se. . . . 

 

what matters most, though, out of everything, is that we are having a good time and enjoying each other's company and simply letting things be.  and for sure, i'm having the best, most genuine fun i've had in a very long time.

 

and in the long run, things will fall into place in whatever way they will.