emotional upheavals

last week was a really rough week.

i was drained physically and emotionally, and so my challenge was to not let any of that affect me, remain strong, and not let people down. i'm not sure how well i met those challenges . . . . but suffice to say, i'm just glad that particular week is over and that this new week has arrived.

the issues that arose last week, not all of which i'll talk about on this blog, are still present. but i feel better equipped to be able to handle them now. . . .

:)

things hit a rough patch with dimples several times last week. at work, she got frustrated with me a few times because of the fact that i tend to bow rather easily to the whims and fancies of a particular nit-picky, spoiled co-worker of ours. well, not just to that co-worker, but you could say that i tend to bend to the will of at least a few other co-workers as well. it frustrates dimples because it is starting to affect my relationship with her, and her bottom line is that i should be a little truer to myself and stick to my guns and not let myself get caught up in the petty whirlwinds that each of those other co-worker's drama might entail.

it's not that i try to be other people's b.f.f. but i am just used to operating a particular way with people. i'm used to being the one who has to compromise a little bit of herself in order to make other people happy or help them out; in my mind, i figure that it's just easier to compromise since i'm fully capable of doing so, rather than risk causing or furthering a sense of disharmony.

and yes, i also do it to be liked -- and i have a tendency to do whatever i can to maintain a particular facade and remain liked.

:-T

but it's gotten to the point where i feel that i have to navigate rather gingerly through the maze of other people's delicate feelings and opinions. it's tough being everyone's bff. and yet it's just how i'm used to operating.

this, however, marks the first time i've ever begun dating a co-worker – and so while i'm fully capable of continuing on playing the bff game with everyone, i can't do so now because dimples is not used to playing that sort of shit. she's more of a straight shooter. she sees this game i'm playing as something that doesn't allow me to be true to myself. and she doesn't like it.

so we had a couple of instances at the office last week in which my little game-playing started to irk her. but she was irked only for my sake. and she has begun wondering aloud what has happened in my life that has caused me to feel that i can only interact with other people only by making my own needs and wants subservient to the whims of others.

but we were able to kind of address the issue really quickly and move on.

friday night was a really interesting night. it was originally supposed to be a date night for me and dimples, but another co-worker friend of ours started experiencing all sorts of craziness last week to the point where she was in tears quite a bit, and so we did kind of a girls' night out to help the co-worker (let me call her jill) sort of forget her problems for a night and drink them away.

jill does not know about dimples and me. she didn't even know we were gay, although the three of us make up a fairly well-known trio at the office at this point.

nonetheless, she ended up kind of setting up a trap for me. we met for drinks starting at around 7 and ended up bar-hopping until a bout 1 a.m. during the beginning of the night, things were hunky-dory enough. but i sensed that jill was out to confront me about an issue, now that we were hanging out outside of the office and didn't have to worry about eavesdroppers. by about 10 p.m., she launched her attack:

she asked me if i was gay.

something to know about jill is that she is rather young and seems quite naive. she has a little-girl quality about her, an aura of wonderment. she is very smart and very aware – just innocent. that being said, i am kind of miffed at her for having spent most of friday night trying to broach the subject of whether i was gay, and then finally, after three hours, finally coming out and asking me.

i just don't like how she did that. such private matters are on a need-to-know basis. i'll tell you anything and everything i want when i feel like it. i'd rather not have you ask such a personal question when i don't even know whether to let you into that close personal circle of friends i have.

maybe that's just me. but that's how i feel.

of course, i know she is not going to judge me. she even assured me as such, saying with a smile, "i love you no matter what, abbagirl!" it's just the fact that she made such a point of asking me at all. like, if it's no big deal, and you love me no matter what, why do you feel the need to even ask me at all? does it shed some light on me that makes you view me differently? does it make you feel better to know this never-before-revealed aspect of myself? if it doesn't matter, why ask, period?

and what sucks even more? she didn't even bother asking dimples. dimples gave off enough cues to let jill know that she was gay and even that dimples and i have been seeing each other. i really don't know if jill picked up on those hints; she was just so fixated on me.

but that makes three people who have kind of taken the bull by the horns and asked me if i was gay. seriously, am i that obvious?

O_O

and dimples remains safe in her anonymity and no one is even aware that she is gay, too, all because she's had a kid.

soo not fair.

:-T

but dimples is, for sure, fair-minded. she's offered to tell jill, just for my sake, that she's gay, too. but i was like, "nah. forget about it."

the sacrifices i make for others. . . . . :-T

and it's not that i'm ashamed. it's not that i want to remain "closeted."

i just don't think it's anyone's biz a' tall.

:-T

after all that drama, both at work and with family and also that episode with jill which, i have to admit, totally frazzled me, there were other things to come.

"other things to come" . . . . but those "other things to come" did not include me.

yes. i still have not been able to have an orgasm with dimples yet.

. . . .

after we got rid of jill towards the tail end of that friday night, dimples and i went back to her place. she and i ultimately ended up lying naked on her couch. she was on top of me. my legs were spread wide open and my knees drawn up. we were kissing hungrily, and her fingers were inside me, pumping in short thrusts that made me throw my head back with rapture and close my eyes. when i could open them again, i found that her face was close to mine and she was watching me so closely, so carefully, so tenderly. she was so attuned to me and just concentrating on me.

and i just ended up losing it.

i started feeling all these mixed emotions. stress from the week, stress from the evening. the tender look i saw on her face was incongruent with all the craziness i'd experienced up to that point. and i was touched by it. i was touched to the point where the emotions whirling up in me overpowered the physical sensations of pleasure she was weaving from finger-fucking me.

so i started crying. i couldn't stop the tears from surfacing. "stop!" i gasped. i grasped her wrist to stop it from its movements and tried to sit up. "please stop."

it took her by surprise. but even though the room was dark, she could tell i was upset. and when i started crying, she took me in her arms and held me.

it only took a few minutes for me to calm down and when i did, i apologized. but dimples kind of ended up exploding at me. "what the fuck was that all about?" she said, and i knew she was angry, confused.

so she went berserk for a few minutes there. she was pissed. the whole week of drama at work plus that little episode of mine, which really did come out of nowhere for me as much as for her, just got her all kind of fed up. and i don't blame her.

at the same time, she tends to express her anger in ghetto terms and use the same kinds of emotional expressions that ghetto folks do. so i ended up getting pissed at that in turn. it was a confrontational kind of anger that i'm not used to dealing with, and she kept spewing all sorts of attitude-y words and gestures.

like, i'm white. talk to me as if i were a p.c. white girl!

:-T

after she vented at me, she put on her bra and panties and went to the bathroom. i thought that was my cue to leave. so i started getting dressed.

she came back into the room just as i was starting to find my shoes and asked, "where are you going?"

"i thought you wanted me to leave," i said stiffly.

she sat back down on the couch, and i did, too. and then we had a more civil conversation. i promised to be more honest and upfront about my feelings and not let them stopper up and fester inside me. and she promised to be patient with me until i could get to that point where i could be more assertive and comfortable with my feelings. and we talked about my inability to have an orgasm with her just yet.

finally, she started leaning in towards me until i was laying on my back again on the couch. "it's a mental thing," she whispered. and i knew she was talking specifically about my inability to have an orgasm with her thus far. "but i am willing to wait and be patient with you."

we then started making out again, and eventually all our clothes ended up strewn on the floor once more. i let her try to masturbate me once more, but again, no cigar. so i flipped us around so that i could concentrate my efforts on her.

dimples is starting to be more and more vocal when i start fucking her. she's begun saying dirty things that make me blush and cream myself even now when i think back and remember. she apparently enjoys my style of tongue-fucking her and isn't shy about letting me know when she finds pleasure in certain tongue moves and flourishes of mine. and i must say i like letting her lay back, relax, and enjoy things.

:)

when she came, she exulted, and when she got her breath, she gasped out, "that's not fair!" and i had to grin, knowing that she meant it was unfair that she came but that i have not yet.

we're going to get there, though. i think my first step is just trying to be open and upfront with her with things that may be on my mind and that i am otherwise not used to vocalizing. she told me today at work that she's willing to be patient until we get there. "i think it will be worth it," she told me.

and it just makes me feel so lucky to be able to get so close and intimate with a cool chick like her.

:-T

we'll see what happens. . . . i mentioned another girl, in a previous post, to whom i'm also attracted. that certainly complicates things. dimples is good to me. she's patient with me. she understands me. and she made it known over the past weekend that she's not going to be dating anyone else while she's seeing me.

and yet on my part, there is someone else who also holds my interest. . . .

i don't quite know what to do about this.

:-T