resolutions

i've been doing some thinking, now that a new year is about to dawn.

i have never usually cared about new year's. to me, time has always been just that -- time. it's just there, whether you like it or not and, in the end, time is god. it marches on, whether we are cognizant of it or not, evermore bringing all of us who have been endowed some way, somehow, with the gift of life all the more closer to death.

not to be morbid. i'm just being realistic -- that's all! i swear!

i'm finally reaching an age where i can appreciate just how precious little time that all of us humans are given to be alive, even those of us who manage to live a long, fruitful lives and reach decrepit ages. as such, i can appreciate the symbolism behind the otherwise seeming arbitarariness that is new year's day more today, at age 27, then i could have even a couple of years ago at the age of 25.

that being said, i've been in the midst of reassessing my life and the occurrences this past year, which made 2007 simultaneously one of the most difficult and emotionally draining and yet one of the most hopeful years i've had in my life thus far.

i won't get all cheesy and re-cap every little detail that i loved and loathed about the year. that kind of stuff is hokey, ain't it?

instead, i'll talk about revelations.

one of the things that i had hoped for, when i started up this abbagirl persona here on blogger, was that i could make an attempt to honestly explore my feelings on certain personal matters that i felt that i could not express to anyone who knows me in real life. and to a great extent, it has helped me so much in that department.

but at the same time, being abbagirl has not been everything i thought it would be, either. in fact, i find that having this persona as well as my other "normal," "real-life" blogging persona on another blog-host site has only caused me to do that which i otherwise do in real life and often find to be a burden: maintain and juggle facades.

it is no one's fault but my own. i let myself get so caught up in trying to be so damned likeable. on a general basis, i consider it to be no big deal to be the one to make my personality malleable to those of others. if i have to be the one to bend a little to get along with others and be likeable, then so be it; i can do it.

i think i've talked about it on this blog before, how easy it is for me to get along well with others because i can put on any kind of social mask to match up with other people's personalities, no matter how diverse they are. and my genuine interest in humanity also helps me find those other commonalities i have with other people.

i had hoped that being abbagirl would help me get rid of all these social masks that i wear and let me show my true self in all its ugliness; having social masks, while a great asset a lot of time, can also be a burden, too. not being very savvy or skillful, i have only managed to make myself feel just as lost as i did before, if not more so.

so what i have found is that this mantle of abbagirl has come with a number of its own burdens. i will always be this abbagirl to a certain extent. at the same time, abbagirl is just not me as much as i had hoped she'd be.

don't worry -- abbagirl will still continue to exist. she will post comments on all her favorite blogs just like she usually does. she abba-solutely loves all the blogs that she's had the good fortune of finding out here on the web and will continue to read their witty, insightful, hilarious, and moving words each and every day.

but abbagirl as blogger will disappear into the night as unobtrusively as she appeared.

it was a hard decision to make, surprisingly. you'd think that since this is just a blog, i'd have no problem just up and deleting it when the time came. but no, this has actually been on my mind quite a bit the past couple of weeks. and there has always been something holding me back all those times when i considered hitting the "delete blog" button.

but this is a new year. and i want to make changes to how i live, how i think, how i act, and how i let the personalities and whims of others dictate the type of person i show myself to be.

that just needs to change. and it starts here and now.

however, i leave open the possibility that abbagirl is not outright dead. maybe she is more "me" than i give her credit for, and i only need to discover this for myself. who knows. i'm still on the journey of self-discovery that i never thought i'd be on when approaching the age of 30. so i may resurrect dear sweet abbagirl if or when the time is right. after all, it has already happened; she did fake her own death earlier this year only to make a sudden reappearance a few weeks later.

so why don't we just say that she is currently in at least a comatose state and leave it at that for now?

by that, i mean this kind of comatose state:

not this:

so no goodbyes!

just a boston song. for now.

Boston- Long Time (1976)

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happy new year, everyone! i love you all!