drugs are good.

prozac is the shit.

i don't admit this to anyone else, except for one or two people. but here, i am proud to say that i'm taking it. and i like what it does for me.

i'm here, where i am, because it works so damned well. and when things get tough and hard to handle, as they naturally do, then instead of reacting, i take a few seconds to take deep breaths, and those few seconds get me back to where i need to be emotionally and mentally.

thanks to my therapist, i am so much more vigilant of the kinds of self-defeating thoughts that naturally arise whenever the going gets tough for me. when i think and write, i am more conscientious of how often the word "should" arises in my vocabulary. i should do this -- i shouldn't think that -- she shouldn't act like that -- they should know better. and all these "should"s are just burdensome. they impose obligations and responsibilities on myself and, in my own view, on other people, so that when i or they inevitably don't live up to the "should"s, then it feeds all the turmoil and angst that begins to curdle and stew.

i'm getting better about those just in the past couple of days that i became aware of them. what also helps is yoga. mindful practices. things like that.

i can't say i'm a whole new person yet. just today, i was going through some thoughts and emotions that i knew better than to get trapped into. but there i was, feeling all anxious and guilty about being so anxious. i don't quite know what i am going to do with myself. but i do have to say that, after a few years of being like this, if one wants to get better and healthier and stand on one's own feet rather than on the scaffolding of others, it IS possible.

just give yourself a chance. and exercise patience with yourself.