grim

i am here. i am back at the house.

we had a brief exchange yesterday via text. i thought it was her attempt (a half-hearted one, anyway) to kind of send out an olive branch. i received a text from her yesterday evening, saying pretty much that i need not come to the house in the morning to take care of my dog; that she knew i had been coming over to do so but that she would take care of him for me.

i responded to her, thanking her politely. after i sent off that text, i hesitated before sending another one: "are you still angry? i'm sorry. for everything."

she answered: "not angry anymore. you brought up some good points." but she added that she couldn't talk at the moment because her brother had just arrived at the house. "we can talk it out tomorrow."

i sent back a last text: "for sure, let's talk tomorrow. you brought up some good points, too, and i have better clarity now, more so than from after our previous discussions." and then i said, in the meantime, i hoped she'd have a great time with her brother.

so i've been nervous about the talk that i anticipated would take place today. i didn't know what we would talk about or what i'd say. but i, for sure, didn't want to be upset or cry or be all grovelly. i know that there were some pretty loaded expectations on my side, so i take responsibility for that. but at the same time, i am sick of being the one taking responsibility for everything. and i wanted to be able to point out that she was not guilt-free herself.

fast forward to this evening. i get to the house. no one's there. she texts me at 9 p.m.: "are you at the house?"

"yes, i'm here," i write back. "you?"

"yes, i am getting ready to leave and get there."

okay.

she gets to the house at 10 p.m. with her kid.

and . . . .

nothing.

she's barely said two words to me. and when she did, her tone was terse.

she just came in, then went straight to her room and shut the door. not a slam. but it was pretty loud.

i'm, like, whatev.

she hates to be at the house alone.

i could very well leave this house right now and go elsewhere. i don't have to be here right now.

i understand it's 10 p.m. but where is that talk that we said we would engage in?

i am going to broach it tomorrow. get it over with.

i think it is going to be ugly.

if she can barely look at me or stand to say more than a few words to me, then the choice already seems to be made. i am not welcome here. and she is not going to be receptive to anything i have to say.

i feel worn. exhausted. bitter. raw.

grim.